(Insomnia's a real bitch, and this is the sort of thing it produces) Title: My Favorite Spike Summary: With all the incarnations of Spike running around loose in my head, I can't decide which one I love the most. ****************************************** Characters: Spike: Caught Between Two Lovers (CBTL) William St. James: Acting The Part (ATP) Spike Devlin: Blue Eyed Devil (BED) William McAllister: Love's A Funny Thing (LAFT) William Cathcart: Reflection of Love (ROL) William Darlington: Sweet Sixteen (SS) ***************************************** (Curtain rises) Spike (CBTL) is sitting in a beautifully furnished waiting room. Door opens, and in walks Devlin.(BED) Spike: What the hell are YOU doing here? Devlin: Could ask you the same, I suppose. She's doing me today. Spike: Like hell, she is! I've been waiting over a month! Devlin: Can I help it if she likes me better? Spike: You're dreaming, songboy. Go play with your guitar. Devlin: See, that's why she likes me better. You're fucking rude! (Door opens and in walks William St. James (ATP) Spike and Devlin: (Glaring) What do you want? St. James: Someone said she was doing me today. Spike: Look, you're both mistaken. Get lost. St. James: Up yours. (They all three sit in hostile silence.) Devlin: I'm her favorite, you know. Spike: You been standing too close to those amplifiers, mate. I'M her favorite. Everyone knows that. St. James: Beg to differ. You seen the amount of feedback she gets on me? Spike: (Sneers) Whoopee shit. That just means people like the story line, not that you're her favorite. And it's not because of YOU, anyway. It's cause of the kid. Devlin: I'd like to say one thing. 29, 366 hits at AFF. And that's just at one site. Spike: And your point? Devlin: (Smugly) The numbers don't lie. St. James: Well don't get too comfortable in first place. I'm not far behind. Spike: How many hits YOU got? St. James: 21,301. Just at one site. You? Spike: 13,006. But after all, I'm a vamp. Can't get about in the day. Devlin: What's THAT got to do with it? (The door opens and in walks William Darlington (SS) Spike: Haven't seen YOU around for a while. Darlington: (Shrugging) Writer's block. Devlin: Who's THIS one? Spike: From Sweet Sixteen. Coming of age thing. Devlin: (Snickering) Robbing the cradle a bit, is she? Darlington: What do you mean by that? Devlin: You're just a kid. Darlington: Not for much longer. Spike: You mean you haven't....? Darlington: Like I'd discuss that with you. Devlin: (Knowingly) He hasn't. (A light knock at the door.) All the 'Spikes': WHAT? (The door opens. William Cathcart sticks his head in.) Cathcart: Oh, good evening. I'm not sure I'm in the right place. Spike: You've got to be kidding. Devlin: Look around the room. St. James: See any familiar faces? Cathcart: Is sarcasm really necessary? Spike: Sometimes, yeah. Sit down and take a load off, poet. St. James: He's a poet? Spike: You COULD call him that. If you were feeling generous. Cathcart: I BEG your pardon!? Spike: He sucks. And not the way I do. Cathcart: I suppose YOU could do better? Spike: (Smirking) I could hardly do worse. Cathcart: In that case, I challenge you, sir! Spike: What, you mean NOW? Cathcart: This instant. Spike: Right, then. 'There was a young girl from Nantucket, who'd rather chew....' Cathcart: Never mind! Spike: But there are three more stanzas. Cathcart: Pray keep them to yourself. You are crude, and coarse, and quite unacceptable in civilized society. Spike: (To Devlin, sotto voce) I knew this one was a mistake as soon as she started it. I mean, really, who in the world would be interested in reading about some Victorian mama's boy? Cathcart: You must be the pedophile everyone's been talking about. Spike: Watch, it mate! She gets real pissed off when she hears that kind of crap. Keep it up and you're liable to find yourself in the abandoned storyline bin. Cathcart: (Offended) She would NEVER do such a thing! She's far too devoted to me. Devlin: (Laughing) To YOU? You've got, what? Six chapters? And you haven't 'DONE IT' yet? Cathcart: Well, that's hardly MY fault, now is it? I didn't ASK for a magic mirror! (The door opens, and it's William McAllister (LAFT) McAllister: I see I've come to the right place. Devlin: What, ANOTHER one? Is she completely off her rocker? Spike: People are starting to think so. St. James: Well, what's HIS story, anyway? Spike: You wouldn't believe me if I told you. Devlin: What's THAT mean? Spike: Means she has a little too much free time on her hands. (With a sly grin, he looks from one to the other) So, um...how's the sex over in YOUR neck of the woods? Devlin: Fantastic! Hows about yours? Spike: Best I've ever had. St. James: Yeah, for me, too. It's amazing. Cathcart: I'm sure it will be wonderfully tender, but deeply passionate. Darlington: I'm working on it, I'm working on it. (They all look at McAllister for his contribution) McAllister: Oh, I just got here. Spike: No worries, mate. Our girl won't let you down. St. James: Listen, I don't get it. She can't be doing all of us today, right? Spike: Right. St. James: Then why did she bring us all here? McAllister: I know that answer. Darlington: How? McAllister: She told me. Devlin: Okay, then tell US. What's she planning on doing with all of us at the same time? McAllister: Research. (Long pause) All of them: Ohhhhhhhh. (The door opens and in walks Wild Billy **) Devlin: Oh, great. We may as well go home. Spike: What the hell are YOU doing here? You're not one of her's. Wild Billy: Got loaned out for the day, on account of my girl's a bit under the weather. (On the other side of the room, a door opens to reveal a receptionist with a perky smile Receptionist: She'll see you now. Devlin: Which one of us? Receptionist: ALL of you! (Curtain down) ** (Wild Billy appears courtesy of Vamptastica, even though I didn't actually tell her about it ahead of time)