Title:  Goodbye To You
Author: Pattyanne
          snapkik@yahoo.com
Disclaimer: Not mine.
Feedback: I welcome it.
Summary: Set after "As You Were". Spike
decides it's time to leave.



     ~~~~~
"I'm lying alone with my hand on the phone
 Thinking of you till it hurts
 I know you hurt too, but what else can we do
 Tormented and torn apart."
     ~~~~~

It had been ten days since she'd said it. Ten of the most
difficult and heart wrenching days of his life.

Ten days. Two hundred and forty hours. Fourteen thousand
and four hundred minutes.  He knew, because he had
counted every blessed one of them.

Time was a thing he had an abundance of. Days, years,
and centuries of it. He'd always been able to find things to do
with it. Even though he had an unlimited supply, he
didn't believe in wasting it.

Of course, the things he'd filled his time with had changed
three years ago. Or rather, they'd been changed for him...thank
you modern science.

He could separate his life into so many different cate-
gories that it was hard to keep track of them at times. Not
the ordinary categories that most people used; infancy,
childhood, adolescence, and adulthood.

His categories were much more fine tuned and calibrated.

After counting in the first four, the ones that all mortals who
lived normal life spans counted, he could add; before being
turned and after; before Drusilla and after; before Sunnydale
and after; before the chip and after; before loving the slayer
and after.

Now, he had some brand new categories to add: Before
making love to her and after; before she'd said goodbye
and....

No. That was about it. He couldn't look any further ahead
of himself. Time had run out. Time had stopped. Time was
no longer on his side. Time's up.

And one more hackneyed cliche to add to this list...time
to go.

     ~~~~~
"I wish I could carry your smile in my heart
 For times when my life seems so low
 It would make me believe what tomorrow could bring
 When today doesn't really know."
     ~~~~~

Time to go?  Time to go where?  Did he really think
that there was a place in the world he could go where she
wouldn't still be hounding him?

<No such place. Don't bother looking for one. It's a big
waste of time.>

Still, waste of time or not, he had to go. Staying would hurt
too much. A lot more than he was capable of dealing with.

Can't go back. Got to go forward into the pain. Dive into it.
Wallow in it. Swim through it. Try like hell to get to the
other side of it and maybe...just maybe...he would survive.

If he left now.

     ~~~~~
"I'm all out of love, I'm so lost without you
 I know you were right, believing for so long
 I'm all out of love, what am I without you
 I can't be too late to say that I was so wrong."
     ~~~~~

Spike took one last look around, then closed the door of
the crypt for the final time. Shouldering his duffle bag,
he made his way through the damp grass of Sunnydale's
oldest cemetery.

He was halfway to the front gate when he spotted a familiar
figure weaving her way amongst the tombstones. She was
walking slowly, seemingly deep in some private place in
her mind.  There was no spring to her step, no cocky 'come
and get it' body language.  Her pace could only be described
as trudging.

Leaving the duffle bag on the ground, he followed her. When
he got a little closer, he saw that she had a stake in her
hand. Normally, this would have prompted him to be cautious
in his approach, but at this point he was beginning to feel like
being staked would be an improvement.

Not yet, though. Not until he told her.

"Buffy?"

He saw her tense up, but at least she stopped.

"What?"

"Can I talk to you for a minute?"

Buffy sighed deeply. "What about?" She turned to face
him, looking both angry and listless at the same time.

"Before you accuse me of it," he said, hoping to stave
off any nasty comments, "I'm not following you."

She sighed again, looking away from him. "Fine. What do
you want?"

Taking a closer look at her face, he was alarmed at what
he saw.

Her skin was so pale, almost chalky. There were dark circles
beneath her eyes and she looked like she'd lost a
little weight, which she couldn't afford to do.  Her hair hung
around her face in lank clumps, as though she'd forgotten to
wash it. Even her eyes were lacking their normal fire.

<Why do you look so sad, Buffy?  Where's all that deter-
mination you unleashed on me ten days ago?>

Guilt washed over him. Had she actually been so unhappy
with him that it had brought her to this point?  Why hadn't he
seen it?

Now, he knew he had to go. If he'd had any doubts about
it before, they disappeared in the face of her obvious
misery.

The sooner he was gone, the better off she would be.

"So..are you gonna talk or not?"

Buffy's voice jarred him out of his thoughts.

"Yeah," he said firmly. Striving for a bit of his old bravado,
he added, "Don't get your panties in a knot, okay? I just
wanted to...to tell you goodbye. I'm heading out of good
old Sunnyhell."

Buffy couldn't have looked more surprised if he'd suddenly
fallen to his knees and proposed.

"Wha...you're not serious."  She stared up at him with
doubtful eyes. "Are you...serious?"

Spike nodded. "Completely serious, luv. You can count on
it."

Her brow furrowed. "Well...where are you going?"

He was about to answer when he saw her expression
change, and for the life of him, he couldn't quite describe it.

"You're not going to look for..." she began.

He gave her a questioning look. "Look for what?"

"For...for Drusilla."

He released a short laugh. "Christ, no!"

Spike wasn't sure what he wanted to do more; howl with
laughter at the absurdity of her suggestion; or scream at
her stupidity for thinking it up; or cry, because she thought
him capable of it.

<How can you ask me that question, Slayer? Do you think
so little of my love for you that you can imagine for a moment
that I would EVER leave your bed for her's?>

Clearly, this was one more sign that it was time to go.

     ~~~~~
"I want you to come back and carry me home
 Away from these long, lonely nights
 I'm reaching for you, are you feeling it too?
 Does the feeling seem oh, so right?"
     ~~~~~

Since he couldn't decide whether to laugh, scream, or
cry, he chose to do none of those things.

"I'm definitely not going to look for Drusilla. Not ever again.
That ship sailed a long time ago."

"Then where are you going?" Buffy asked.

<How the hell should I know?  Somewhere..anywhere..no-
where.  Take your bloody pick.>

The only thing he DID know, was that it had to be far, far
away from Sunnydale...and from her. Eons away. Light
years. The absolute end of the earth.

He had to be as far away as he could possibly get when
the real hurting began to make it's impact.

But he couldn't say any of this, and she was expecting an
answer.

"You know me, Slayer. I'm not big on planning ahead.
I'm more of a 'flying by the seat of my pants' type. I'll just
go, and see where I end up."  He flashed her the sort of
smart ass smile that used to get his face slapped. "I figure
there's gotta be a little hell out there for me to raise."

Buffy almost smiled. "If there is, I'm sure you'll find it."

"Or it'll find me," he shrugged. "I'm just...."

"So, when are you coming back?" Buffy cut him off, staring
at the ground.

The question surprised him, and he hesitated briefly before he
answered her. "Well...I'm NOT coming back. It's not a
vacation, luv. That's why I'm saying goodbye instead of
"See you when I get back."

Her head snapped up as though someone had jerked it on
a string. "You mean...not ever?"

Spike nodded. "Yeah. That's pretty much what I mean."

<God, Buffy...will you just shut up and let me go?  I thought
I could handle this, but I can't. Please, let me get it over with.
Just say "it's been swell" and walk away. Don't make me go
through this. It's too fucking cruel.>

But she wouldn't cooperate.

"Why?" she demanded. "Why are you leaving? Because
of what happened the other day?"

<Of course it's because of what happened the other day!>

He wanted to scream it in her face. Pound it into her thick
head.

<Do you really think that anything else could blast me out of
this town?  Could make me leave you behind?>

Spike had to force himself not to let the words past his lips,
because if he did, he knew he'd end up on his knees, begging
her not to make him go.

But, at the same time, he wanted her to know the truth of
it.  He wasn't  about to come up with some ridiculous story,
either to salve HIS pride or HER feelings.

     ~~~~~
"And what would you say if I called on you now
 And said that I can't hold on ?"
      ~~~~~

"Yeah," he finally said. "Because of what happened the other
day."

Spike steeled himself for the speech he'd had ten days to
prepare.

"I can't go back to what we had before. I just can't go from
being your lover to being your friend, or your enemy, or
your slaying partner...or whatever the hell else we ever were
to each other."

"Spike..."

"There's no way that I can stand to be near you...and not have
you be mine."  He sighed in resignation of his own weakness. "I
don't have the fortitude in me. Maybe...."  He cast around in his
mind for the right words.  "If we had never...."

<If I had never touched you, or kissed you, or just held you
in my arms while you sleep, listening to the beat of your heart. If
I had never felt your breath on my skin...or discovered how soft
you are, how warm and alive. If I had never heard you whisper
in my ear and tell me how good I made you feel every time we....>

"...made love.  Then I could probably stay. But we did...and so I
can't."

He gazed down into her lovely green eyes.

<Memorize her face...her voice...her scent. Because after
tonight...the memory will be all you have.>

He had taken nothing to remind him of her. Not even a photo-
graph. If he had, he'd never be able to stay away.

<So, look long and hard.  This is the last time you'll see her.>

Endless, aching years stretched out before him, an
insurmountable void that would last until the day came
when he could no longer bear the pain, and would put an
end to himself.

<Never again...never, never, never.  Never see her, touch her,
hold her, never ever again and I can't do it. I can't leave her. I'm
not strong...I thought I was strong enough, but I'm not, I'm
weak and I can't go...I can't go...I can't.....>

"I can't stay."  The sadness was strangling him. He had to
finish this before he was incapable of speech.  "You say goodbye
to everyone for me, okay?  And, tell Dawn....well, just tell her
that I'll write to her."

     ~~~~~
"There's no easy way, it gets harder each day
 Please love me or I'll be gone

I'll be gone...."
     ~~~~~

He reached out with one hand, brushing her hair back
from her face.

"You take care of yourself, all right? I swear, if I find
out that you've gotten yourself killed again, I will come
back and personally kick your ass all the way to the
other side," he said, with a lopsided smile.

Moving his hand beneath her chin, he tilted her head
up.  "I'll always love you. No matter where I go...in this
world or the next...I'll love you.  I'll never regret one
moment of our time together."

Bending his head, he placed a soft kiss on her fore-
head.

"And I'll never forget you."

Now, there was only one thing left to say, so he swallowed
the ache in his throat and said it.

"Goodbye, Buffy."


     ~~~~~
"I'm all out of love, I'm so lost without you
 I know you were right, believing for so long
      ~~~~~

Almost physically ill with pain, he turned on his heel
and walked away, not wanting to be anywhere in sight
if...when...he broke down.

     ~~~~~
"I'm all out of love, what am I without you
 I can't be too late to say that I was so wrong."
     ~~~~~