Title: Revelation Author: Pattyanne snapkik@yahoo.com Disclaimer: I wrote the story only Feedback: I love it Summary: Willow informs Buffy of what Spike went through after her "death". Part One: Willow and Buffy The night air was cold, and Willow hurried to unlock the front door and get inside. Dumping her books on the sofa, she turned to see Buffy sitting at the dining room table. She had a sheet of paper in front of her, but seemed lost in thought. "Hi!" Willow said, trying for a cheery smile. She pulled out a chair and sat down opposite her best friend. "What are you doing?" "Making a shopping list," Buffy replied absently. Willow frowned, tilting her head to view the paper pro- perly. "I'm guessing we don't need very much," she said, seeing that the paper was blank. "What?" Buffy looked up briefly. "Yeah, I suppose so," she said, staring back at the paper. "Buffy." Willow reached for the pen in Buffy's hand and took it away. "What are you really doing?" The slayer sighed deeply, covering her face with her hands. "Trying to figure...something out." "Something?" Willow asked, arching her eyebrows. "Or someone?" Buffy uncovered her eyes. "What's that supposed to mean?" Willow smiled. "Just that I'm pretty sure I know what you're thinking about so hard. I've seen that "figuring out" look on your face before, and it's usually been about a someone...a male someone." Buffy glanced away. "Will...there is no male someone in my life right now." Her friend gave her a speculative look. "Oh, yes there is." Looking flustered, Buffy tried to protest. "No...there's not. You know I haven't been...I wouldn't..." She sighed. "Oh, all right," she said, folding her arms across her chest. "What do you think you know?" "I know that a certain vampire is crazy in love with you. I know that you used to really hate that particular vampire, but that you don't feel that way anymore." She paused a moment, then delivered her final thought. "And I know that you're madly attracted to him." "How would you..." Willow shrugged. "You talk in your sleep sometimes." She watched Buffy turn a brilliant shade of crimson. "I also know," she added, "that you're fighting things way too hard for it to mean nothing to you." Buffy said nothing for a long moment. "Am I close?" Willow asked. The slayer nodded. "You're right on target," she said. Cupping her chin in her hand, she gave Willow a forlorn look. "What am I gonna do, Will?" she asked. "I know he loves me. I believe him when he says it. And I...I do have feelings for him. Feelings that I don't understand...and that I probably shouldn't have." "Why shouldn't you?" Willow interrupted. Buffy stared at her. "How can you ask me that? Because...he's a vampire. I'm a slayer. We're not supposed to care about each other." "Oh, pooh." Willow waved her hand in the air. "Things are different now, Buffy. He's been one of us for a while now. I know he's got the chip and everything, but that really doesn't have a lot to do with it." "Huh?" Buffy's brow furrowed. "Well....I like him," Willow said defensively. "He's done a lot of good things...things he didn't have to do. Even Xander kind of likes him now." She chuckled. "Though he'll never admit it. And Dawn's crazy about him." Buffy smiled. "Yeah, she's made that painfully clear. She's his own personal cheering section." Willow nodded. "He took good care of her while you were...gone," she said. "They spent a lot of time together...really bonded." She looked at Buffy curiously. "Buffy...has anyone ever told you what he went through when you...you know?" "No, not really," Buffy said, shaking her head. "Not in any detail. Was he upset?" "Upset?" Willow repeated. "Upset doesn't exactly describe it. De- vastated," she said. "He was devastated." "Tell me." She took a deep breath. "When the fight was over, after Giles killed Ben...we were kind of scattered. We weren't sure what had happened at first. Then we...we kind of all came together where you were...where you fell. It was so quiet. We just...just stood there, wondering why it had happened that way. I think we all truly believed that you were sort of...invulnerable. You'd come so close, so many times, and you'd always bounced back." "Slayer healing," Buffy murmured. "It was almost like we were all just standing around and waiting for you to shake it off. You know...just jump up and start telling us what we had to do next. And...during all this terrible silence...I heard someone crying. Crying like...like their heart was just shattered. And it wasn't any of us. I turned around and...and I saw Spike. He was so bruised and bloody...he couldn't even stay on his feet." Willow looked into Buffy's eyes. "Buffy...he crawled on his hands and knees to get to you." Buffy placed her hand over her mouth. "He just sat there next to you," Willow went on. "He held your hand...and he...he begged you to wake up." "Oh, God," Buffy whispered, tears coming to her eyes. "Over and over again. He just didn't want to give up. I guess he thought that...that if he tried hard enough, he could...I don't know...make you do it. He kept asking you to open your eyes. He said he'd do anything if...if you would just open your eyes. If you'd wake up..and hit him, or call him a nasty name, or...threaten to stake him good and proper. He didn't care." Buffy smiled sadly. "Sounds like him." "We couldn't get through to him," Willow said. "He wouldn't listen. Wouldn't respond. Even Dawn couldn't bring him out of it. And...he wouldn't let us near you at first. He said that...that we were gonna bury you..and leave you alone in the dark...and he wasn't gonna let that happen. After about an hour, we knew that we had to take you away. Morning was coming...and we couldn't wait around there anymore. And...in the end...it took both Giles and Xander to...to drag him away from you." Willow reached for one of Buffy's hands and held it. "You know...I stood there and I watched this happening...and all I could think was that we had all been wrong. Wrong...in thinking that no soul means no feelings. Because he was...he was heartsick. That's the only way I can describe it. It was beyond grief." She shook her head. "I've never seen anything like it before." Buffy suddenly stood up and went into the bathroom, returning with a box of tissues. She gave Willow a handful, then sat back down. "Afterwards...he completely shut down, for almost a week. We all started checking on him a couple of times a day. Believe it or not," Willow smiled, "it was Xander who suggested we do it. He thought that if we didn't keep a close watch, that Spike would..he would..." "Kill himself," Buffy said. "Stake himself." "Or just die of grief," Willow nodded. "Giles tried to talk him into leaving his crypt and staying at his place for a while...but he didn't want to. We brought him blood, but he wouldn't touch it at first. For a while...I really thought we were gonna lose him too." "What happened then?" Buffy asked. "It was Dawn that kept him with us. She was having such a hard time dealing. She wasn't eating right or sleeping much. And when she DID sleep, she had constant nightmares." Willow wiped her eyes before she continued. "When she started losing weight, I went to talk to him...and I kind of bullied him into coming to see her. I gave him the whole "she's already lost two people she loved and she can't handle a third one" lecture. I told him what was happening to her, and I reminded him that he'd promised you he would take care of her...and what would you think if you could see what he was doing. That he ought to be ashamed of himself." She stared at her hands as she shredded up tissue. "I'm not sure what got through to him. I don't know if it was something I said, or if he just missed her...but he showed up that night. HE gave HER the "What would Buffy think?" speech." Buffy chuckled through her tears. "I'd love to have heard it." "He seemed to be a little more like his old self...or he was pretending to be. He stuck like glue for a while. Even spent a lot of nights sleeping on the couch. He was the only one who could comfort her when she'd wake up just...screaming from the nightmares. It took a while, but she finally started to come to terms with it. When THAT happened, he started patrolling. Just about every night. Sometimes with the rest of us...sometimes by himself. Those five months you were gone, he staked more vamps than all the rest of us put together." "He loves his nightly spot of violence," Buffy said, shaking her head in amusement. "He went to your grave a lot," Willow informed her. "Xander followed him there one night. He told us that he saw Spike talking to you, telling you everything that he was doing." "God...I can almost see it," Buffy whispered. "He managed to put a good face on it, but it didn't take a genius to see he was in serious pain. He was good at hiding it...but it was there. I could see it." Looking at Buffy earnestly, she said, "That's the reason we didn't tell him about our plan to bring you back. It wasn't because we were trying to shut him out, or that we were afraid he'd try to stop us." She paused for a moment. "He got part of it right. I WAS afraid that you might not be the same, that I might have to send you back. But, it wasn't because I thought he might try to prevent me from doing it. It was...it was because I knew that he wouldn't be able to go through it again. The grief of losing you. He wouldn't survive it. And we needed him to survive...DAWN needed him to survive." Buffy nodded. "She still needs him." Willow nodded, then said, "You know, somtimes I would go and see him, and we would talk about you. He told me about the first time he saw you...you remember, at the Bronze? He said he went there that night to size you up, see if you'd be hard to kill. And he said......." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "I just went there that night to size her up, ya know? Check for weak spots, see how she fought. I walked into that place and I found her right away. She was dancing...and I couldn't take my eyes off her. Christ...she was knock out! So pretty and alive...vibrant! And she was a KID! Sixteen years old. No woman should be that sensuous at sixteen. But there she was...and I wanted her more than I'd ever wanted any other woman, before or after. Outside, in the alley...when she dusted that vamp...she was fucking poetry in motion. I'd never seen anyone fight that well. I kinda hated to see it end." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Buffy stared at Willow, her mouth slightly open. "You mean...he wanted me...then? Back when he first saw me?" Willow nodded. "That's what he told me." "I...he didn't...but I thought he hated me!" Buffy looked pole axed. "He threatened to kill me!" "Buffy," Willow said seriously. "Look at me...and tell me the absolute honest truth....what did you think when you saw Spike for the first time? Be honest!" Hesitating, Buffy swallowed hard. "I thought he was the sexiest guy I'd ever seen." Her lips curved in a slow smile. "For a minute...I forgot Angel even existed." Willow grinned. "And all the times you fought with each other..." Buffy stared at her friend. "What did HE say about it?" she challenged. "He said....." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "I don't want to make you blush now, Red. But, since you asked, yeah...every time I fought with her, all I could think about was how much I wanted her. And I always wondered...she was such a hot blooded little thing, so I wondered...if she was just as hot in bed as she was in a fight. Course...after I fell in love with her..." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "When did he fall in love with me?" Buffy cut in. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Well...I don't know exactly when, luv. I know I only admitted it after that business with Cap'n Cardboard...you remember when the stupid git almost dropped dead cuz he wanted to keep playing superman for Buffy. I had this dream later that night...dreamed I told her that I loved her...and I kissed her. You know...I really think it started after that spell you did went wonky. I remember kissing her for the first time...it was everything I'd imagined it'd be. That girl really knew how to kiss. I was so pissed when you broke that spell so soon. I know I didn't act like it....but I was. " ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Oh, God!" Buffy's cheeks flamed. "I...I felt the same way. I mean, yeah I was mad and all, but..." Her voice dropped. "He was the best kisser I've ever had my lips on. Better than Angel, and Parker...and WAY better than Riley." She giggled. "To tell you the truth...Riley had a tongue like a fist!" Willow laughed with her, then said, "Buffy...you need to think things over. Be honest with yourself. Decide what's best for you....then go and tell Spike that you love him." She stood up and retrieved her books, then headed for the stairs. "And don't let ANYONE" she added, "stand in the way." Watching as Willow disappeared up the staircase, Buffy grabbed a handful of tissue and cleaned up her face. When she was done, she studied herself in the bathroom mirror. "You need work, Summers," she muttered, then ran up the stairs to shower and change. She was going to see Spike. It was time.