Notes, disclaimers, ect. Season 7, post Lies My Parents Told Me, pre Dirty Girls. Inspired by the Pretenders cut on the new Ramones tribute album. The characters are Joss', the lyrics (in italics) are the Ramones.
 

I wish I was someone else

Spike sat in the basement, chain smoking. His hand was shaking.

I'm confused, I'm afraid

He'd almost killed a man. Again. Not unsouled him, not insane triggered up him, but his supposedly good self. He'd been this bloody close to draining the principal dry. Granted the man had been trying to kill him, but with damned good reason.

I hate the loneliness

But still, he didn't get it. The Watcher had bloody well let Wood do it. He chuckled, a dry bitter sound. And to think he'd come to consider Ripper a friend almost. But he was still just a thing to all of them. Even the Bit thought of him as a monster these days and once she'd been the only one that hadn't.

And there's nowhere to run to

The house was full to the damned gills, but you couldn't get any of the potentials down here for love or money. 'Hey daddio, I don't wanna go, down to the basement.' Another dead sounding laugh escaped. He was fucking surrounded.

Nothing makes any sense

And she... He'd done this for her and he hadn't expected to be welcomed back with open arms, but he figured she would understand. Maybe even forgive him. At least see him as a real person. But instead... He wasn't sure if he was her lieutenant or just cannon fodder. He'd become a man for her, but she wanted the demon back, even though she she'd claimed to not have wanted the demon in the first place.

But I still try my hardest

He wasn't giving up though; he'd come too far for that. He'd face this down with all them or be dusted trying.

If I was stupid or naive

The soul was supposed to make things easier.
 
Trying to achieve
What they all call contentness

He'd just wanted things to be clear, to work, to be better, to be at peace.

If people weren't such dicks
And I never made mistakes

Instead everything was harder. Between being the First's puppet, Wood and all the Scoobies hating his guts he didn't know what to do. And then there was Red's new girl, Kennedy. Stuck up, useless bitch with a silver spoon up her ass. People like her were the first ones that died when he'd been turned. They weren't even willing to give him a chance, not really. It would be different if he were Peaches.

Then I could find forgiveness

He knew nothing could make up for all the evil he'd done, but he kept trying. And without centuries of repressed Catholic guilt too. That had to count for something. They'd forgiven Red after all and he'd never tried to end the world, just to exist in it.

I can't be someone else

He wasn't Angel. He bloody well didn't want to be.

I don't feel that it's hopeless

He knew they could do this, they just had to find out how. And they would, they always did. They had Ripper, Red, the Big Bad, and THE Slayer. Hell, even the Whelp wasn't as much a Zeppo as he seemed. And some of the Potentials had plenty of it, most of them actually.

I don't feel that I'm useless

It was daft to be sitting about feeling sorry for himself.

I can't throw it all away

What had he said once? Dru, dog racing, Man U, the telly and "Happy Meals with legs". He had so much more to lose this time around.

I need some courage to find my weakness

He just had to figure out what the hell his problem was. It wasn't the demon, but it sure as hell wasn't the soul holding him back.

He got up from the cot and pulled on his jeans and shirt. He walked upstairs and dragged Dawn and the first four SiTs he saw downstairs. "Listen up wannabes, and this applies to you too Bit. Chances are most of you aren't going to be called." A glare cut off whatever sarcastic comment the younger Summers was about to utter. "If any. Buffy's a tough one, and from what I hear so is the other one. That doesn't mean you aren't going to give the First hell, but we're being too narrow in training you lot.
Council training isn't always the best way, and I should bloody well know. So, let's get down to it grasshoppers."

"You are going to teach us?" The African-American girl, Rona he thought her name was, gave him a skeptical look.

"Who better. Now then..."

***

Buffy noticed the noise coming from the basement and came down the stairs to find her sister, Rona, Molly, Amanda and one of the new girls attempting to beat up Spike. Her heart skipped a beat... What if they were trying to finish what Giles and Robin had started? She needed him. The thought of him not being here... She didn't know how she would deal. Instead of counter-attacking or even trying to block them he dodged all of them neatly and spoke.

"Alright, that's enough for now then. Scram. Bring some of the others with ya next time. I'll be talking to you about what you need to work on in a bit."

She barely kept herself from staring.

***

He knew the moment she came down the steps. Well, true, there was the whole Slayer/vampire thing, but there was more too it than that. He didn't face her till the girls were all gone.

"You're training them." She sounded bloody well amazed. He didn't know if that was bad or good.

"Figured I might as well make myself useful." He still didn't look her in the eye. "Any word from the Hellmouth-ward front?"

"Not lately." She wasn't quite looking at him as she spoke. "Thanks. I mean Kennedy’s great with taking over the training and all, but..."

"She's a cookie cutter Council trainee and we both know how they end up." He shrugged and glanced at her again.

"Yeah. Um... This isn't the time or anything, but..." She was looking at the floor now but his gaze was steady on her. "The First wasn't the only reason I didn't want you dead." Their eyes met. If his soul had come with the same strings as Peaches' he would lost it then and there when he saw the look in hers.

And with your love
I know with all my heart I can win

"I'm not sure if we can do this Spike. The First isn't like..."

"I am." He had something to believe in.
 
I wish I was someone else
I'm confused, I'm afraid
I hate the loneliness
And there's nowhere to run to
Nothing makes any sense
But I still try my hardest
 
ah-ah
Take my hand
ah-ah
Please help me man
 
'cause I'm looking for
Something to believe in
And I don't know where to start
And I don't know where to begin, to begin
 
If I was stupid or naive
Trying to achieve
What they all call contentness
If people weren't such dicks
And I never made mistakes
Then I could find forgiveness
 
ah-ah
Take my hand
ah-ah
Please help me man
 
'cause I'm looking for
Something to believe in
And I don't know where to start
And I don't know where to begin, oh no
 
I can't be someone else
I don't feel that it's hopeless
I don't feel that I'm useless
I can't throw it all away
I need some courage to find my weakness
And with your love
I know with all my heart I can win
 
'cause I'm looking for
Something to believe in
And I just need
Something to believe in
I'm looking for
Something to believe in
And I just need
Something to believe in