"You played it for her, now play it for me. Play it again, Nigel. Play 'Lick My Love Pump'." -John Constantine, "John Constantine: Hellblazer" -*- David Tai & Rod M. present... Dire Fates A John Constantine: Hellblazer Ah! My Goddess! Crossover The Loose Ends: Previously unseen extra scenes never used and closing comments from the authors. -*- ------------------------------------------------------------------- Candles flickered in the dark room, casting dancing shadows on everyone sitting in the room. John Constantine lit up a cigarette, leaned back, and blew smoke into the air, as he sighed. Another meeting. ----------------- John Constantine: Hellblazer The Trenchcoat Brigade ----------------- He was bored. Better things to do than to sit around waiting with the others for the wanker. He looked around. Nearby sat a man in an olive brown trenchcoat, looking relatively normal and non-descript. This was Doctor Occult. He would be the most 'normal' one in the group... except for the fact that he shared his body with a female side, named 'Rose'. John had some respect for the man, as he was generally not unpleasant. At least, he was more tolerable than the other two. John looked at the other man sitting at the table. A man with red sunglasses, dressed in a white suit, and wearing a white trenchcoat muttered. John frowned. Mister E. He didn't trust the bastard, despite his powers to walk into the future. The man was disturbed. Saw everything in black and white. Then again, that was all he could see, for the man was blind. Stupid bastard. If he didn't hurry up, John thought, then he was taking off. In fact, he was going to go. John got up... The Phantom Stranger entered. "Good evening, gentlemen." John sat back down with a sigh. "The Fates are back in harmony," said the Stranger. "No thanks to you, you soddin' wank," grumbled John. The Phantom Stranger stoically ignored the remark. "And we have a new helper in our crusade." "Er? What?" asked John. "Someone we know?" asked Dr. Occult. "I hope you chose wisely," said Mr. E, idly caressing his knife. *POP* "Hihi!" Dr. Occult stared. John nearly let his cigarette drop out of his mouth. Mr. E looked horrified. Skuld, clad in a pink overcoat, waved happily. John groaned. "Tell me you didn't decide to open a junior branch of the Trenchcoat Brigade." Dr. Occult frowned. "Isn't she a tad... young?" Mr. E finally snapped out of his shock and held his knife in attack position. "A woman?" John winced. He'd forgotten about how Mr. E was with women... "A _woman_?" asked Mr. E again. "Keep yer bloody shorts on, E," said John angrily. "Mr. E, control yourself," said the Stranger. "YOU RECRUITED A WOMAN?! VILE TEMPTRESS! DIE!" Mr. E charged angrily at Skuld, pushing John aside with surprising ease. "Eek!" *WHAM* -*- "Well, that was some excitement," said John. Skuld sheepishly put her mallet away. "Sorry, John. I forgot I wasn't supposed to mallet anyone when you're around." John smirked. "I'll let it go just this once, kid." ------------------------------------------------------------------- John sighed. How did he ever agree to this? This was disgusting! He almost wished he were back in the First of the Fallen's clutches. ----------------- John Constantine: Hellblazer Guess Who's Coming to Dinner? ----------------- Keiichi ate his meal, smiling happily. He said something in Japanese that seemed to make Belldandy happy, bordering on giddy. She took a moment to gently wipe Keiichi's mouth, then sweetly kissed him on the cheek. He said something... sounded like 'skeeter' to John. Belldandy said likewise. Then they cuddled happily, generating a feeling of love and warmth. John stood up. "I've gotta take a walk." He left, heading towards the courtyard with a queasy look on his face. Behind him, Skuld blinked. She could hear him faintly mumbling something about saccharine and diabetes. "Why did he leave?" Urd shrugged. "No idea." Behind them, Keiichi and Belldandy were snuggling closely to each other, lost in rapturous adoration. ------------------------------------------------------------------- The cat seemed to be looking at John expectantly, waiting for something to happen. "What? Scat! Shoo! Bloody cat." John gave the cat a swift and sure boot, sending it flying a few feet, over a fence and out of sight. That's when John noticed the odd stick-like object on the ground. "What the frig is this?" He picked up the object, and immediately felt the immense magic in it. "What the..." Suddenly, a few blocks away, a loud explosion shook the ground, sending a cloud of flames and debris flying. When the dust settled, a demon stood. "COOOOONSTAAAAAAANTIIIIIINE!" John blinked. "Well, frig me." Suddenly, the pen in his hand glowed brilliantly, blinding all. He was levitated into the air and felt something moving around his body. Before he could yell in surprise, the moment was over. "What the fuck was... er..." His voice seemed a little higher in pitch. "Oh shite! I grew tits!" ----------------- John Constantine: SAILOR HELLBLAZER You have Mike Loader to blame, mostly, for this. ----------------- John ahemed, and posed, pointing the Rod at the demon. "Right. In the name of the Moon, fuck off." -*- "And what," asked the titanic demon, "are you going to do to stop me?" "See this here Star Crystal Moon Rod thingie?" John waved his... er... her magic rod about to accentuate the point. "Yeah." It seemed unimpressed. "You gonna blast me with it? Turn me into a toad with it?" "No. Gonna shove it up yer..." -*- John frowned. He was back home, finally, with the stupid rod. And Chas was laughing his ass off. "Sod it, Chas, I look bloody stupid in this fuku." "That ya do, Johnny. But yer arse looks great." "Back off, ya bloody pervert!" -*- Rich's reaction wasn't much better. "Quick, Johnny, use yer magic dildo!" "Oh, VERY funny, Rich. Har-bloody-hah." ------------------------------------------------------------------- John slowly rose to his feet, unsure of where he was. One moment he was testing out Cromwell's Infinite Possibility Portal, the next he was face-first into concrete. "Bloody hell..." He seemed to be in the middle of a city somewhere. There were also a lot of people running away... yelling something about... an angel? Ah, this he had experience in. Angels, no problem. "Right then, where's the bloody..." And then he turned around... "Oh. Shite." -*- "Commander, the area isn't clear." "What?!" Major Misato Katsuragi shouted. "There's a... civilian confronting the angel, commander." "Is that idiot insane?!" yelled Misato. "Um, commander? The angel seems to be... um... retreating." Misato nearly did a double take. "Er, what? What happened?" "The civillian... um... seemed to have made a few rude gestures, and he's, er, yelling at the angel." Misato stared as the giant robotic creature, one of many which NERV had code-named 'angels', just... walked away. "Zoom in on him, I wanna know what the hell's going on!" The massive screens of NERV headquarters all zoomed in on a blond, scruffy looking individual that was in the middle of making quite a few rude gestures, yelling at the top of his lungs. In the distance, the angel was lumbering off. //-UCK OFF YA BIG FRIGGIN' WANKER! AND IF I SEE YER BLOODY FACE 'ROUND HERE AGAIN, SACHIEL, YOU'RE GONNA BE KISSING MY ARSE!// -------------------------- NEON HELLBLAZER EVANGELION -------------------------- ------------------------------------------------------------------- Along the coast of Ireland, a solitary old man walked alone. His steps were slow, but steady, and his eyes were constantly looking out to the horizon. This place had so many memories. He couldn't think of any place he'd rather be at this moment. This was where he would die. ----------------- John Constantine: Hellblazer Twilight ----------------- He sat down on the grass and simply watched the ocean waves lapping onto the beach. They were soothing and almost hypnotic to watch. A sharp twinge of pain shot through his chest and John knew the time was near. He felt disappointed. His death seemed anticlimactic. Out with a whimper, not a bang. He thought he'd die one day pushing the limits, going too far, and thus, out with a glorious bang. Instead he was wheezing on the beach. What bullshit. What had he accomplished? When he'd set out on the road of magic so long ago, he'd had such grand dreams. He was going to change the world! Yeah, he'd show the bloody establishment the right way to do it! Eighty years later, he mused ruefully, the world was still the same old shitball it'd always been. But dammit, he tried. He really did. He had nothing to be ashamed about. "No bloody regrets." He felt a chill and drew his trenchcoat tighter around him and wondered why his head was spinning. "Hi John." John smiled at the voice, a warm and soothing voice that he hadn't heard in a while, then felt a warm kiss on his cheek. He turned to his side and saw Skuld sitting there beside him. She had grown up so beautifully, she had, resembling Peorth greatly but with a less sultry and more a warm and caring demeanor. "Hi, luv. Long time no see. Still beautiful, too." Skuld blushed. "Thanks, John." "So, what brings you here?" Skuld smiled. "What do you think?" "So I really am going to die." She held his hand. "Don't think of it as dying. Just think of it as moving on." John grunted, but didn't comment. Instead he just stared out into the ocean. "I wonder... will it hurt much?" Skuld smiled. "I don't think you have to worry about that." "Oh? And why not?" She pointed to something behind him. John turned his head around and... "Oh. Well. That's that." ... saw his own body. He stood up slowly, noticing that everything seemed easier now. Then he dusted off his knees, stretched a bit, and looked at Skuld. "So, what happens now?" She stood up, stretching out her wings as she did, and embraced John with wings and arms alike. "Now it's time to leave." The two faded from existence, leaving the cold shell of a magus discarded and alone on the beach. Faintly, however, a voice could be heard in the winds. "... and this time, try not to piss off God." "Who, me?" ------------------------------------------------------------------- AUTHORS' COMMENTARY -*- Closing remarks: Why, man, why? -djt This fanfic all started when a bunch of people were sitting around talking on a MUCK. All of a sudden, this one guy said, "Hmmm, I want to try an anime crossover with Hellblazer," out of the blue. Y'know, I always thought that Hellblazer was kinda cool, thanks to my friend who had a LOT of these comics, but I'd never really gotten into it. But somehow, there we were, throwing out ideas for what anime would fit in with Hellblazer. (There's more than you think, but we'll write those later, thanks. :) ) One of those brought up was Oh My Goddess! (Okay, so _I_ brought it up.) Believe me, Rod (for that's who brought up the idea) was skeptical. For one thing, Oh My Goddess is a rather sweet romantic series about goddesses who came to live with a college student. What did they have in common with a series about a guy who regularly thumbed his nose with demons, cursed, and generally functioned as an anti-hero? But I just had this image of Skuld and John working together in my head. So I sort of... talked Rod into it. He started it out. And we sort of started blundering around, till we just said, the hell with it, and sat down and worked out an actual plot. And there you are. (Well, it wasn't quite that easy. The biggest problem with OMG! was trying to do SOMETHING with Belldandy. She, more than any other story element from OMG!, just CLASHED with the portrayal of John Constantine. So... well, we just sort of put her aside till we COULD use her. And I'm not sure how Peorth ended up in this story.) Oh, yes, one more thing? Belldandy and Keiichi's story isn't over, not yet. :) See, I ran a few Vertigo titles past Rod that might mesh with OMG far better than Hellblazer did, and... well, we'll just have to wait and see, eh? ^_- -David Tai (dtai@ix.netcom.com) -*- Closing Remarks: Building a Mystery -rodM I'd like to relate to you folks how this little project began, if I may. Mind you, this is my version. It may be wildly innacurate, as I am very famous for my swiss cheeze memory. (David's note: And lotsa typos. Hunting down typos he makes is takin' up more time for me than writing does. :P You can try findin' the typos here, I'm done huntin' n' fixing! Frankly, I'm surprised there are so few. ^_^) On a muck I frequent, me and a few other fanfic writers were mulling about and the conversation led to the Vertigo line of DC Comics. This line is most famous for Neil Gaiman's 'The Sandman' series, but is also noted for one other, less heralded but still popular series: Hellblazer. I wanted to do a Misc Anime/Hellblazer crossover, but wasn't sure which one would do best. -Ranma? Oversaturated market. And besides, come on people, it'd be tacky. The genres mix like oil and water. -La Blue Girl? Heheheh... nah. I'm no lemon writer. -Phantom Quest Corps? The genres certainly do mix, slightly. Both deal with the supernatural. It had potential. -Devil Hunter Yohko? Not a bad match, and I even have a plot. Maybe, maybe. -Blue Seed? I actually have a plot for this. I'm still considering it. -Vampire Princess Miyu? Perfect match, but nobody could bring up a plot. -Sailor Moon? Erah... WAHAHAHAHAAA! -DragonBall Z? Oh please. -Ah My Goddess? Well... the genres and past histories of both series don't exactly blend smoothly, no. But... there was an AMG fan in the group. This would be David. He had a plot idea. I listened. I stopped him every now and then to kill a few ideas, and encourage others... and slowly the plot began to develop. At first, I was under the impression that we were going to team up Urd and John. Little did I know David was a pedophile (JUST KIDDING! ^_^) er, David was a big fan of Skuld's. And then there was Mara. It was logical we use Mara. She's a demon. John messes with demons all the time. Then there was Peorth. She... is very obscure. Very, very obscure. I'm not sure if she's been seen in the american comic reprints yet. We've been writing her based on guesses and information on websites, really. Then there was Belldandy. I didn't wanna write Belldandy. I didn't know how to, and truth be told, she just didn't fit into the plot. We shrugged and chucked her outta the plot :) At first, it was just going to be John discovering that nobody was at the helm of the Yggdrasil, and Mara, Peorth, and Urd vying for control with John as a pawn being used in one way or another by all of them. Didn't work. That just wasn't right. We needed a villian. Hrm. Garth Ennis always wrote the Archangels as a pack of jerks, so there was our list of candidates. And since Raphael is defined as the one to oversee humanity, well.... Okay. The norn sisters are off to Japan and in their absense, Raphael decides to give the Yggdrasil a test run, resulting in disaster. We wrote part 1 and half of part 2 with that in mind. Then we had another idea. Bring in the big bad boy himself, the First of the Fallen. NOW we had the complete plot, as you see it. And then Mike gave us the Sailor Hellblazer idea. We laughed, we cried, we finished Dire Fates :) What were we trying to say with Dire Fates? Was there any political/religious message here? Well, no, not really. At the most, I guess, I'd say 'be nice to each other'. That's about it. -Rod M.