Subject: [OTL]: (X-Men, Kurt, Amanda) No Prayers... Date: Tue, 26 Dec 2000 22:24:50 -0800 From: Saille Hello again. This is set during the Magik LS. Hey Rex, should I post this one at the forum? Feedback, please. I guess PG. > Disclaimer: Marvel owns the X-Men. I just play with > them. I'm making no money from this and I have no > money to be sued for. No Prayers in Hell By Saille "Amanda?" "Hmmm...yes, Kurt?" She looked up from her paperwork and I wondered if this was a good idea. She was not the girl I had known. The eldritch armor of Magik hid her features from me. I could not read her eyes. "Could we talk?" "It is time, Kurt." I slid into the chair next to hers. She watched me silently as I gathered my thoughts; a funny feeling formed in the pit of my stomach. I had to know how she felt about me...about it. I couldn't look at her. I was afraid of what I might see; so I steepled my fingers in front of my face, leaning onto the table. "Did I make the right decision?" I turned my head and looked into her stony face. "What?" "To become a priest. I didn't talk to you about it...and I am sorry for that, Amanda. I am wondering now, what do you think? Do you think it is the right decision?" "Does it feel right to you?" Her tone was noncommittal. Looking back down, she drew tight circles on the parchment in front of her with a quill pen. Its tip dug into the ancient paper. "I don't blame you for being upset...let me explain..." She set the pen down with a snap. "Kurt, I come back from Limbo and you are not mine anymore. What should I think? During Black Sun, a demon was in you and I almost died because I loved you too much to kill your body. But now, I wish I had killed you." It hit me like a slap in the face, I felt my mouth fall open. She was my sister, my first love, and she wished me dead. She was lost to me. Limbo had worked its dark magic on her soul. I rose to leave, numbly cracking my knees on the table's edge. She sprang to her feet, grabbing my arm. She twisted my wrist, trying to force me back into the chair. "You will listen to me," she growled. I could have easily broken free of her ordinarily but my legs turned to jelly at the cold look in her eyes. I sat back down with a thump, my tail trapped painfully under my leg. "I should have killed you because you are not Kurt Wagner. You are not my brother, not my lover. You are a weak reflection. My Kurt is not weak." "But..." A knife inserted itself into my guts. "No. My Kurt would not run from his responsibilities. What happened to you?" "I am answering a higher calling..." It sounded weak even in my own ears. "Bull. You're running. But from what? I will know." She twisted my arm again. I bared my teeth at her. "I will not justify myself to you," I hissed. The anger was starting to clear my head. Perhaps she was mad, as her predecessor Illyana had become from the Soulsword's influence. As mad as... "You are as mad as our mother." "I am not mad..." she trailed off and slumped back down into her chair, releasing my arm. "I am...scared and worried." "Funny way of showing it." She ignored my muttered comment. "Tell me." "What?" "Why did you leave the X-Men?" Not, 'why did you take a vow of celibacy,' or 'why did you leave me here alone.' Did she truly hate me so? "I told you..." How could I tell her? How could I lie? She would know. "I know you better than anyone; yet you don't talk to me about this? I have always known we would never have a truly normal relationship but part of me hoped to spend my life with you. Did you not think about that? Did I mean so little to you?" You mean everything. "I needed to find who I was..." "What?! You have always known who you were. More so than I even!" "I always thought so..." "Please, no more lies." The eldritch armor melted away as she willed it to and she looked like herself again. She was so beautiful, her golden hair gleamed in the firelight, her green eyes gazed into mine. They were so full of sadness and betrayal. She folded her small hands in her lap to hide their trembling. Ah, my Amanda, Jimaine... I took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "My mother is an evil woman, I was raised by a demon sorceress, I killed my brother because he was driven mad by that same sorcery, my sister is now the caretaker of Limbo. I have killed and I have seen myself become an instrument of evil. I have so much to answer for to God. I thought that becoming a priest was an atonement, a preventative measure..." She cut me off, her voice strident, "And that is why you left the X-Men, left me? Good God, Kurt!" I flinched at the accusation in her voice. "No...and yes. I thought so at first. But when I came here to help you...I swore that oath of aid when we were children but now I wonder if that is why I came. I know evil exists, I have seen it in many of its forms. Maybe I needed proof I could still withstand it. I have been possessed many times, and as much as it bothers the other X-Men, I feel the stain on my soul every time. No matter how many beads I count on my rosary, the stains will not go away. Belasco's lackey haunts me. The evil of this place makes my skin crawl, but-" "And I am part of that evil...I see, Kurt. Very well, I release you from your bond. I will take you home...I will...burden you no further." Her face was white, her voice cracked. I felt tears well in my eyes. No, let me finish...I won't let it end like this. I reached out to her, trying to catch her shaking hands. She shrank back from me; fat tears slid down her cheeks. "Ach, no, Jimaine..." "Don't call me that!" she screamed, rising from her chair so quickly it fell with a clatter behind her. The fire flared to an inferno behind her, enveloping her like the flame of the Phoenix, and then died out with a hiss, plunging us into darkness. Her voice dropped to an anguished whisper. "You are not my brother, not my...lo..." her voice cracked. "You are dead to me." I felt the blood drain from my face as the knife twisted deep inside me. I couldn't grab her fast enough as the blinding light of a stepping disk tore her from me. "Jimaine...I love you..." I stood alone in the dark. We were even. I had broken her heart, now mine was gone. I'm so sorry I hurt you.