Who's the Elf? -------------------------------------------------------------- Notes: I started this for St. Patty's Day, with leprechauns. Then I remembered Kurt has met those before, in Banshee's castle. Oh well. It's a silly lil' bit o'fluff, set after the infamous Excalibur 43. "I said to leave the toilet in the bathroom!" Kurt Wagner's day was not off to a good start. Scowling, he stumped his way to the bathroom door, idly scratching his leg above its massive white cast. "Verrdamnt Technet! Why did I ever open my mouth? Braddock was right," he muttered under his breath. Scatterbrain looked up at him with sudden interest, irredescent colors swirling through her body. Kurt closed his mouth with a snap and tried desperately to think happy thoughts. It was a trial. Meggan's big, doe-like eyes floated up out of his memory. 'But, the baby's crying, Brian!' It had moved him then, and Brian too. Moved the Technet in and sanity, what little any of them had left, right out the door. "'It's our duty to help them,' bah! What was I thinking?" Kurt muttered as Scatterbrain set down Kitty's toothbrush, which she had been inspecting, and began to float his way. A short, hairy, wolfish creature tottered under the weight of the porcelain monstrosity Brian had ordered and nearly fell through the jagged-edged hole in the floor. "Be careful, Ferro2!" Kurt hopped backward to avoid the alien and nearly lost his balance. Arms pinwheeling, he thumped into something warm and yielding behind him. "Ach, pard..." He trailed off as he turned into the rosebud-lipped face of the emotion-absorbing Scatterbrain. Her blank eyes regarding him, he gave her a sickly smile. She bobbed up and down, her expression unchanging. "A liking to you she has taken with the big one gone." "Great." Chinadoll slithered past him into the bathroom, steadying Ferro and the tipping toilet. With the immediate crisis over, Kurt took a deep breath. In and out, he thought. As Kurt slowly breathed, Scatterbrain lost interest and floated off. Kurt slumped against the wall in relief. "Pissy you are lately. She likes that; but when you calm down, like it she does not." "How unfortunate for her," Kurt grimaced. He had been pissy lately. He was alone with the Technet, with the girls out on an extended shopping trip in London. Brian had done a dissappearing act to rival one of his own right after their fight last week. I can't believe we fought, he thought, rolling his eyes in disgust then checked if Scatterbrain had noted his returning annoyance. With his eyes, no one else could tell anyway. I feel like such a fool. And my leg still hurts. No, mostly, it just itched. He inched a finger under the cast, trying desperately, but in vain, to reach the tingling spot. "Need to get out of the lighthouse you do," Chinadoll hefted the toilet out of Ferro's hands and set it on the floor carefully. It was awfully close to the hole though. Kurt opened his mouth to warn her and thought better of it. He shut it again with a snap of sharp teeth "Maybe I do need to take a walk," he smiled at the reptillian woman. "Yeah! Go take a walk, we will fix the lighthouse while you're gone," Ferro's toothy grin reminded Kurt rather uncomfortably of a shark. Ferro leaned an elbow on the tank, inadvertantly tipping it. It teetered back and forth on a splintered floorboard. "Ach, careful!" He and Chinadoll lunged for the wayward fixture. It swayed back toward them for a tantalizing moment before plunging over the brink. Kurt cast his eyes heavenward again as the sound of it shattering several floors below drifted up to them. "Uhhhhh..." Ferro shrugged as Chinadoll swished her tail in agitation. "I will go take that walk now," Kurt sighed. "Just don't fix anything else while I'm gone, okay?" They had the sense to look chagrined. >*< Kurt stood on the wind-whipped rocks above the ocean. The chill air cut straight through his coat. Ah, I needed this, we have been under so much stress of late, Kurt thought, breathing in the cold air deeply. We've never recovered from our time and space hopping, then Galactus, then Technet...never a chance to rest. Brian has been a powderkeg for weeks, and now where has he gone? Meggan is confused. And me....well, I was a fool to pursue my fantasies about Meggan. How selfish of me! "Ach, we are as angst-ridden as the X-Men!" he didn't realize he said it aloud. A heavy, skin-drenching fog, seemingly from nowhere, rolled up and over the cliff and lighthouse. He shivered, even though the wind had suddenly died, pursing his lips at his black thoughts. "Huh, only in England," he sighed and slowly stumped off deeper into the woods to escape the encroaching chilly fog. Despite his cast, he made progress and soon emerged into a clearing. The fog was much less dense here and he could almost see the edge of the circular glade He set off across the sparse grass, stopping when something snagged between the two toes of his bare foot. With crouching an impossiblity, he leaned over to peer at what he had kicked. It was a mushroom, and a big one at that. It lay on its' side, but was unbroken at the base. Turning his head to the right, he noted a curving line of mushrooms marching off into the fog. He was greeted by the same view in the other direction. He smiled at the wonder and strangeness of the British Isles. "Buck up, ya wee old top," he mixed his accents shamelessly. He righted the mushroom and patted its' snowy cap. Straightening with a chuckle, he continued over the now-broken line. A few steps further across the clearing he could make out more mushrooms ahead of him. Stopping, he turned in a complete circle. He was surrounded by mushrooms. "Huh." He vaguely remembered that a circle of mushrooms meant something. No, not a circle; a ring? Ja, it was a ring, he thought. Meggan told me something about that. Now what was it? A mushy ring? No... He yawned. Oh well. Kurt crossed the clearing and poked at his memory. It wouldn't come and he was starting to feel tired. He yawned again and noticed a convenient fallen log at the treeline. I'll just sit down and rest for a bit, he thought. That fight with Brian must have taken more out... >*< He awoke with a start. There was something on his chest. He froze, trying to assess the danger before acting. He heard a faint humming and nothing else. What is that hum? he thought. "Greensleeves?" Naawww.... He opened his eyes slowly, it was nearly dark now and as his eyes focused, they zeroed in on a small man sitting on him, picking at his shirt buttons. "Aaagh! What are you!" Kurt jumped and sat upright, dumping the little man into his lap. The creature let out an indignant squeek as Kurt fought a wave of dizziness. "I was just thinking the same thing," the creature said as he picked himself up and settled on Kurt's thigh. "..." The creature sighed at Kurt's wide eyes. "I'm an elf." Kurt found his tongue. "Nooo, you're kidding me." Waitaminute, I'm the elf, he thought fuzzily. Well, no, not really... The little man, elf...whatever, tapped his foot impatiently on Kurt's cast. "Nuh-uh, I'm one of the fair race, the fairie folk, an imp, a sidhe...you know, an elf." "Nooo....I'm still asleep," Kurt raised a hand to his eyes, rubbing them tiredly. "That's the only explanation." "No it's not. Why is this so difficult for everyone to understand." The elf shifted with a log-suffering sigh. "Besides, you don't look so standard issue yourself." Kurt's hand dropped back to his side, he opened his eyes. The little man was still there. Drat. He didn't answer. Surely it wasn't good to talk to hallucinations. It had to be a hallucination, right? Too much work, right? "I tell you, I'm an elf. What're you?" What could it hurt? "Maybe I'm an elf too." "No you're not!" "Prove it." "Uh, I never saw you at the meetings?" The little man smiled at him with little pointed teeth. "Nice try, get off me," Kurt waved a hand at the hallucination. The little man hopped down, scowling at Kurt. "I don't understnad why you're so upset. You summoned me." "I beg your pardon?" "You broke the ring, didn't you?" "Uh..." "The fairy ring!" "Fairy ring?" Kurts brow furrowed in thought. "Ah, the mushrooms! Meg told me about all the fairies... Now I remember!" That explains it, Kurt thought. "...I get it-" "Good! Finally!" the little man interupted. "-but I didn't eat any. I didn't know hallucinogenic mushrooms could be absorbed through the skin..." "Wha? Oh, you ignoramus. I'm not a hallucination!" "You're not? Hologram?" "No." The word was emphatic. "Damn, I must be nuts then," Kurt sighed. It was only a matter of time, he thought. All that spandex has to get you eventually. He snickered. I'm asleep, and this is the weirdest dream I've had in a looong time. "Now if you'd said you were leprechauns, I would have believed you." The little man was silent, observing the large giggling creature before him worriedly. Kurt took the opportunity to look his dream over. It was an ugly little guy, with greenish skin and pointed ears. Why couldn't I get a pretty, female fairy, Kurt thought. ...uh, elf....whatever... "You are green, my little hallucination." "And you are blue, you big hairy oaf." "Ach. I get insulted by my own psyche, what would Doc Sampson say..." "Who?" "Nevermind." "Ugh, this is getting us nowhere," the elf sighed and snapped his fingers. Another little creature popped out of the log Kurt had slept against and hopped to the ground beside the first. The newcomer was smaller, and if anything, uglier than his companion. "Why can't I get a female elf? Do I hate myself that much?" "You ain't no Julia Roberts yourself, there, buddy," the new elf replied. "Again with the insults! So, you say I summoned you. Now what?" "Well, answer the question first. What are you?" That from the old elf. Taking a deep breath, he launched into the explanation. "Well, you see ... we-are-mutants-born-with-mysterious-powers-which-may-be- the-next-level-of-human-evolution-and-some-of-us-are-sworn-to- protect-the-very-humans-who-fear-and-hate-us." He paused to pant for a moment. "Whew! That answer your question?" "Uh, yeah. You drink a lot of coffee, don't you, Big Blue?" He nodded vigorously. "Ja. Got to." Kurt didn't notice the first elf edging up behind him, an impossibly large tree climb clutched in his tiny hands. "Well, can't say it's been a pleasure," the shorter elf said. "But you're weird and you've gotta go." "Hey! Looks who's talking about weird! At least I'm real!" "Mmmm, yeah. Don't forget to leave some milk out on the deck every now and then!" The shorter one cried before the limb descended on Kurt's head with a conk. He slid against the log with a groan. "Well, that's that. Come on, we're moving the ring away from these screwy, imaginary creatures." >*< Kurt slammed the door open dramatically, listening to it rebound from the wall in satisfaction. He snickered. Kitty lept from the sofa as Meggan lifted off the ground and floated above it. Their eyes wide as saucers, they stared at Kurt. "What's wrong!" Kitty cried. Kurt swung the door shut and inspected the mark he left on the wall with a finger before he turned to them with a smile. "The Technet can add that to their list," Kurt frowned up at the hole in the ceiling that the toilet had crashed through earlier. "Where are the obnoxious creatures anyway?" "Uh, downstairs, watching Baywatch..." "Oh. Good for them. Pamela Anderson watching is a worthwhile way to kill an evening. Ah, my ladies have returned to the haunted palace," he snickered and swept them a courtly bow, his broken leg extended awkwardly before him. Kitty and Meg exchanged nervous glances. "Fuzzy, are you okay?" "Peachy! I've been hallucinating all day!" he waved his fingers in front of his face, watching the digits wriggle in fascinaction. "Oooh, Meggan, guess what? I met the fairies!" "Really?" she brightened. "Ja. They're nasty little creatures. I don't think I want to be a fuzzy elf anymore. One knocked me out!" Kitty flashed her friends a look. "Kurt, there are no fairies or elves. They're myths." "Oh, I know that, silly Kaetzchen!" his nose wrinkled as his grin broadened. Leaning close to her, he whispered conspiratorally, "That's why it was a hallucination!" He doubled over with gales of laughter. "What happened to him, Kitty?" Meggan drifted to the ground, watching Kurt suspiciously. "I dunno, I'm gonna call for Ray. Come on Kurt, let's go tell Ray all about the 'fair folk.'" He could hear her punctuation. "Nein, nein, Kaetzchen...I'm going to bed," he wiped tears from his eyes and straightened his shirt. "I'll wake up in that glade and go back to the lighthouse and then I'll really go to bed. Or get a nice, stiff drink." "You are in the lighthouse, come on Kurt," she reached out and took his arm, attempting to lead him to the door. "No, I'm in the woods, passed out on the ground. This is a dream, you aren't real. Neither of you are...as a matter of fact..." Kurt pulled free of Kitty's grip, grabbing her in a hard embrace, he pressed his lips to hers and released her quickly. "That was fun, you even look stunned." Reaching out again, he grabbed Meggan's hand and kissed it. Bowing low, he smiled up at her. "I'm sorry your boyfriend is such a shithead, I would have treated you much better." Straightening, he smiled and turned on his heel to walk away. Kitty and Meggan stood frozen, watching him stump up the winding staircase to his room. Kitty's wide eyes rolled to Meg's, her hand still pressed to her lips. Meggan blinked twice and turned to Kitty with a grin. "He's a good kisser, isn't he?"