Kitty Pryde, Logan, Kurt Wagner and the other characters mentioned are trademarks of Marvel Comics. This story is an unauthorised work done purely for my personal enjoyment, and is not intended to infringe on any of their rights in or their profits from these characters. But this story is copy write to me.

Comments, especially (constructive) criticism, always welcomed. Please e-mail me at

mshakespeare@callnetuk.com

Notes

This story is based around the time of Wolverine #81 - i.e, just after Logan showed up on Muir Isle pursued by Cyber. Illyana's dead, and Rachel's lost in time. Oh yes, and Logan's lost his Adamantium, and gone feral.......

Please note - this story contains strong language. If you are offended by such things, please do not read further.

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It's Good To Talk

Kitty supported the weight of her friend and former mentor without too much effort. Since the loss of his Adamantium to Magneto, she thought, he certainly felt a lot lighter than when she'd had to support him before. She led him to the medbay, and sat him down on the trolley. "Wait here, I'll get you something to keep you a bit warmer, until the generator's back online. And don't even think of telling me you don't need it 'cause of your healing factor - that's not exactly functioning perfectly anymore, is it? So keep quiet, I won't be long." And before he could argue the point, she was gone.

Logan shook his head in amusement. <Some people don't change much, do they? Still as opinionated as ever, an' willing to argue with anyone if she needs to. Hell, she tore me off a strip more'n once, an' Chuck too! Ain't many'd do that, 'specially not so young.> He sniffed the air - just the usual smells he'd expect in an infirmary, and the lingering scents of Kurt, Moira and Zoe, as well as his and Kitty's. He heard her returning, and smelled fresh laundry. He turned his head as she draped a blanket over his shoulders. "Thanks Kit, I needed that."

"I know ya did, you dope - why d'you think I got it?!" Kitty dropped down onto the bed opposite, and looked at her old friend. "So, how are things with you? How are you feeling, without the metal bones?"

He shook his head. "Ain't the same person I used ta be, darlin'. I've got wild, feral - " he popped his bone claws for emphasis - " an' I got this ragin' beast in my head now, pum'kin, an' it's gettin' harder an' harder ta control....." His voice tailed away with that admission - he'd spent so long trying to control the beast within him, that for it now to be on the ascendant was almost too much for him to bear - and he dreaded the thought that Kitty might turn from him, afraid of what he was becoming, the way the X-Men wouldn't meet his eyes anymore.

The petite brunette sitting opposite him just shrugged her shoulders. "So? I trust you, Logan - you'll win, I know you will. And if I can help in any way, you know I'll do whatever it takes to help - just ask, and I'll be there." She smiled at him. "You didn't think I'd turn away, did you? I've known you far too long for that." She ran her hand over the covers of the bed, thinking, then glanced back up at him. "Even if it has been a long time since we were on the same team."

He winced at that - he'd felt guilty on occasion for the fact that, even after Excalibur had finally got in touch with the X-Men after finding out they were still alive, he hadn't made an effort to keep in touch with his former pupil and friend, any more than he had with his former best friend, Kurt. Dallas had driven a wedge between them, he knew, and, for all that they acted as if nothing had happened, it was clear to him that Kitty and Kurt were keeping their distance from their former teammates.

"I know, darlin', an' I guess we're at fault. Since we played dead, we've not been as close as we were, have we? Understandable, but still painful."

Kitty sat in silence for a while, looking down at the bedcover, not saying a word. Logan let the silence ride - whatever she was going to say, she'd say in her own good time. Finally she looked up at him, and her face was troubled.

"Why, Logan? That's what I want to know, what Kurt wants to know - why? Why did you and the other X-Men lie to us, let us believe we were the only X-Men left, let us believe that our friends and teammates were all dead? I thought we were friends .........." There were tears glistening in her eyes now, though she refused to let them fall. The pain was back, clawing at her heart. She remembered the broadcast showing the X-Men 'dying', remembered Kurt's grief at the thought that they were gone, how he had almost killed himself as soon as he'd been able to get out of bed. Remembered, too, Brian turning to drink believing his sister dead, and the nights spent listening to Meggan crying because he'd gotten drunk and lashed out at her. Remembered the nights she herself had lain awake in bed, tears damp on her pillow, and how she and the others had all carried on, despite the pain in their hearts, trying to keep the X-Men's legacy alive. And it had all been for nothing - a fake, a sham, a lie............

"We felt that it was a good opportunity to let our enemies believe we were dead, pum'kin. We could strike at them without them bein' able to strike back - hit from the shadows - "

"Oh, don't give me that crap, Logan! I've heard that pathetic justification before, and it won't wash!" Kitty was now glaring at him, anger plain on her face. "So, you wanted to let your enemies believe you were dead, huh? Fine, but why let us believe it?! Were we enemies, Logan? Did you think that we might be traitors to the X-Men, did you, huh??"

Logan's newly-found feral side bristled at that, and he had to fight to suppress a growl of anger at her attack. "O' course not, darlin' we never th - "

"Or did you think we might run off and tell the Marauders where you were? Or the Hellfire Club? 'Hey, Mister Nimrod sir, the X-Men aren't dead after all - they're still alive and living in Australia, do you want their address and telephone number?' What the hell did you think we were going to do, announce to the world that you were alive, even against your wishes?? You could have told us, Logan, even when you kept it secret from the rest of the world, dammit!" Kitty was on her feet now, pacing up and down the infirmary, stopping only to glare at him. Logan felt his own temper rising, but fought it back, though it took a great deal of effort - the animal in him wanted to lash out, even hit Kitty, and he wouldn't let it. No matter how wild her accusations might be, he thought, she had every right to be angry at him, and at the rest of the X-Men. Her words, though untrue, stung nevertheless - because, quite simply, they hadn't ever considered the feelings of their friends and teammates, most of them - oh, Piotr had mentioned it, and Storm and the rest had said it was a price worth paying, even though they wouldn't be the ones to pay the price. They'd simply acted as they saw fit, and decided what Kitty, Kurt and the others had the right to believe, to be told. They'd played God, deciding what others could be allowed to know - and those others had been hurt as a result. And the anger remained, buried deep even though it was.

"It ain't like that, Kit. O' course we wouldn't expect you ta run off an' tell our enemies. It was because o' those enemies we did what we did. If our enemies thought us dead, then they wouldn't come after you an' the elf." He was trying to be reasonable, but his words didn't mollify the young girl, who spun round to glare at him even more furiously than before.

"Oh really Logan, is that so? And what did you think our reaction would be to you 'dying', hmm? Didn't it occur to you that, thinking you dead, we'd try to keep the dream alive, keep the flame burning, even after you were all gone? That we'd go and start another team, to try to live up to the example you'd set by your heroic 'deaths'? Did you really know us so little, that you couldn't see that happening? You thought we'd crawl into a corner and hide in order to be safe??" Kitty walked over to the wall, and slammed her fist against it. Then she turned, and he saw that she hadn't been able to hold back the tears any longer.

"Or was it because we weren't good enough? Kurt an' I, our powers aren't showy, aren't destructive. Guess we weren't as useful to the team as someone like Alex, who can level a mountain. Or Allison - heck, how can merely walking through walls compare to laser beams? 'Hey, maybe those Marauders did us X-Men a power of good - they weeded out the less destructive ones, and left us the good X-Men instead.' Is that why you left us behind, Logan? Because Kurt and I weren't good enough for the team anymore? Not powerful enough, not competent enough? You lied to us because we were only the second-rate X-Men?" Now the tears were flowing freely, unchecked. Kitty wiped her arm across her face.

Logan swallowed his anger again. "Don't be so flamin' stupid, Pryde! You were good enough, or ya wouldn't've been on the team! Same with th' elf! We were tryin' ta protect ya, both o' ya! Where the hell did ya get th' impression we thought ya weren't good enough?!"

"Well what the hell else were we supposed to think, Logan?!?" Kitty screamed at him. Her vehemence took him aback - he hadn't expected this violent a reaction from her. "We got hurt, yes, but we were still alive, still X-Men, we thought. Then you died. Do you know how much you hurt us? Do you?! Kurt ran a Danger Room scenario with the safety locks disengaged, trying to kill himself, in order to be with you because he couldn't take the hurt anymore! Brian turned into a complete alcoholic, and made Meggan's life a misery, out of grief for his sister! Illyana turned to the Dark side of herself, trying to get revenge on Forge! And you hurt me, Logan! Do you know how many nights I cried myself to sleep, missing you, thinking I hadn't proved myself worthy of standing beside you at the end?? Well, do you??"

Logan opened his mouth to snarl a response, his anger becoming momentarily uncontrollable, but Kitty rode straight over him.

"And then we found out it was all a big, fat, fucking lie!! Not from you, of course - oh no, not from you! We found out when the Warwolves showed up, trying to grab Rachel for Mojo - they had found out you were alive, and had disguised themselves as you to get close to her! You couldn't be bothered to tell us, even though X-Factor, the Fantastic Four and the Avengers had found out during that whole bloody Serpent Crown affair - we didn't deserve even a simple lousy stinking phone call!

"So we finally found out, finally get to speak to you, and what do we get?? Do we get an apology, or an explanation? Do you say, 'sorry we lied to you, we had to do it, please forgive us, we want you back'? Do you hell! Not a bloody word of apology for all the pain and heartache you caused us - nothing!! Nothing to say why you'd betrayed our trust like that, nothing to explain why you'd put us through such grief - not a fucking thing, Logan!! So don't damn well sit there and tell me we shouldn't feel that you didn't think we were good enough, because what the hell else were we, are we, supposed to think? Tell me that, Logan!!" Her voice was raw with emotion, fury and pain and anguish. Her hands came up to her face, to wipe away the tears streaking her cheeks. Her eyes were red, and she sniffed and choked back a sob as she turned away from him to gaze out of the window.

Logan sat still for a long time, swallowing his momentary lapse of control, thinking of what to say, how to get through the wall that the X-Men's actions had put between them. He finally said, not knowing if it would help, "We did what we thought was best for you at the time, darlin', same as we always have. We make our decisions to do right by you, even if that means takin' th' choice outta your hands."

"Well, you don't have the right anymore." Her words were now merely a whisper. "You took our trust and betrayed it. You, and the rest of the X-Men, have given up any right you might once have had to have any say in how I, or Kurt, or anyone else in Excalibur, decide to live our lives. You know, I once thought of the X-Men as family. Ororo was more of a mother to me than my real mom, and you were like a father. But that's over now, Logan. I'm not your surrogate daughter anymore, and I'm not Ororo's either. We had a bond once, but that's gone, Logan. Finished. I can't see you like that anymore, not now. You've got Jubilee now, make do with her." She turned to face him again. The tears had stopped now, but the pain remained. "She's closer to you now than I am, and that's your choice, Logan, your decision, your responsibility." She looked down at the floor, then glanced back up.

"You're still a friend, Logan, you always will be. But you're not my family anymore, Kurt is, Brian is, Meggan is, even Moira right now. Maybe, one day, I'll understand why you felt you had to do it, but I just can't right now."

She turned and walked towards the doorway. "I'll go and get a room ready for you. "She hesitated in the doorway, silhouetted against the artificial lighting beyond, one hand on the door frame, not looking back. "And I'll call the X-Men, and tell them you're alive." And she was gone.

And Logan sat, alone with his memories and his thoughts.

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FIN