Pete vs. Pete; PreGame I sigma7@ksu.ksu.edu (Sigma Seven) A few notes: The Petes aforementioned are Wisdom and/or Rasputin, that is, Colossus and...er, Pete Wisdom, as featured in Warren Ellis's Excalibur. (Like Pete, as we know him, will appear anywhere else. Instead there'll be this Skrull muttering "pillock" every other line. But I digress.) Anyhow, that's more or less all you need to know. This and the other two pre-game shows can be found via web at: http://www.ksu.edu/~sigma7/stories.html ...And thank you for flying UseNet. (Exterior shot: football stadium, at night. Stadium is barely lit, camera pans across the field as dramatic trumpet music begins. Introductory logos flash across the screen as the voiceover begins.) Sig: Evening, all, and welcome to the Peter Pre-game Show! Tonight: It's Rasputin versus Wisdom, and the hand of Kitty Pryde...and the rest of her, for that matter...hangs in the balance! (Intro music fades, camera switches to interior of a well-lit press-box. Announcer is dark- haired with mirror-shades, a day's worth of stubble, and a black trenchcoat.) Welcome, everyone, I'm Sigma Seven (camera slowly zooms out to show a man in a white lab coat with longhorn-insignia on the lapel, with dark-black-tinted lab goggles on sitting next to Seven) and we're looking at an event which has been hinted at in the X-Books for almost a year now. Kitty Pryde finally has another source of genuine romance in her life, and this would have to be the time when her first love comes plummeting back to the Earth. Tonight we take a look at the two contenders for Kitty's affection and see how they shape up, and I'm joined now by my color commentator and analyst from the Caribou campus of Bovine University, Dr. Clarence Eustacius Moo, and Doc, these guys aren't lightweights at all (Moo nods), but they're genuine powerhouses. Moo: Well, certainly. They're both quite powerful in several ways. On the basic level, they're both mutants, but yet they have virtually opposite abilities. Rasputin turns into cold steel, Wisdom throws these "hot knives." One offensive, one defensive. So similar, and yet, so alike. Sig: Let's look at Kitty's romantic past in general, and try to see if we can figure out why she'd skew toward these two similar yet opposite men.... Moo: Well, we here at the institute have hit upon a few common threads.... (Colorful graphic pops up on-screen, with Kitty's smiling face at the bottom) KITTY'S FAVORITE QUALITIES *Non-American *Dark Hair *Accent Moo: Unfortunately, there's precious few examples to draw from. We're going mainly by what we've seen from her three major influences, chiefly, Rasputin, Wisdom, and that geeky Stuart character she was chasing madly for a few issues. But we're trying to ignore him. Sig: What about Doug Ramsey? Moo: Seeing as he doesn't really fit with the theory, we're ignoring him. Sig: Perhaps you could come up with a reason to...? Moo: Well, for one thing, theirs was a strong friendship before anything else. Kitty went full-thrust, so to speak, into her relationship with Rasputin, never got too close to Stuart, and distrusted Wisdom before wrapping her tongue around his uvula. Sig: Please, Doctor. There are children watching. Moo (looks at camera apologetically): Sorry. Anyways, Ramsey's was more of a solidified friendship; it has proven at this point to be the most stable of her relationships, aside from the strong bond formed with Kurt Wagner and perhaps Logan. Sig: Speaking of these X-Men, how do they figure into her early psychological development, romantically speaking? Moo: Well, Sig, that's a good question. Remember, Kitty was a relatively normal child until she started falling through the floor.... Sig: Tends to rule out normalcy. Moo: Ayah. And so here come the X-Men. "Don't worry, Kitty, we'll teach you how to control your power," ya ta da, ya ta da, pretty much the same promise they later gave Rogue, but apparently they meant it this time. And let's face it, her powers are quite possibly the most refined of all the mutants who've actually *studied* at the school. Sig: That's a good point. Moo: But...consider the cost. She was an early teen and socially awkward already. Then she's taken out of society and planted into...what? Before the New Mutants came along, she was in a nightmare scenario for teenage psychodevelopment. Consider the people she was living with.... PROS CONS WOLVERINE Healing factor means Canadian friends always can play lawn darts trash the place Claws good for Ex-girlfriends tend to get opening beer cans cyborged up and go on Keeps away the killing sprees salesmen Those damn Weapon X guys More enemies than a disco DJ STORM Beautiful "Goddess" riff a bit Mature disquieting after Dark Responsible Phoenix Makes raking leaves a Leaves blue-tinted contacts breeze, so to speak everywhere Plays with Willard Those damn once-a-month Scott's mind monsoons PROFESSOR Father figure Sings "The King and I" in XAVIER Intelligent shower Alien technology The way he flicks his fingers makes backing up and says "Engage" whenever hard drive a breeze anyone pushes his wheelchair girlfriend molts NIGHTCRAWLER Tail able to get Clogged drains after he change when it slides showers under refrigerator Impossible to get chewing Three-finger knuckle- gum out of fur ball impossible to Brimstone stench hit Teleports to TV whenever he loses remote control COLOSSUS Hunk Too many Schwarzenegger Handsome movies Down-to-earth (until His Captain & Tenille recently) collection Cheers Chekov on every time he watches "Star Trek" Moo: ...As you can see, relatively speaking, Colossus was the most normal of the bunch. Sig: Relatively. Moo: So, it's no wonder that she would get drawn to him. Sig: What about the age problem? Moo: Well, we don't know how old she is now. We know that Wisdom's some ten years older than she, and that she was 14 when Peter was 19. Still, that's a bit of a difference. Sig: Indeed. But surely some of that comes from her maturity, her intellectual level.... Moo: From day one, Kitty's been shown as gifted in many respects. She's going to feel at ease with older people. That's certain. So age isn't as much a problem as it seems to be. Sig: Let's do the autopsy of the Rasputin-Pryde relationship. How did that go awry so quickly? Moo: Well, we have a nice, conveniently-dead alien to thank for that. Sig: Zsaji. Moo: Bless you. Anyways, she dies, and Peter tells Kitty that his "feelings have changed." He gives her the utter heave-ho. They reconcile later, eventually.... Sig: But what about the Brood Saga? Moo (snapping fingers): The critical moment of the relationship and, I think, the moment that doomed it. We at the institute have a theory. Sig (leaning back): Oh, my. Moo: In short, "oh, boy, we're in space, here's the Brood, we're all gonna die," et cetera, and Kitty and Peter are...alone. And Kitty asks Peter if he'd like to go horizontal with her. (Sig stops, looks at his notes, at the camera with a perplexed look, shrugs, and back at Moo while he continues talking) Peter says, of all things, no. Sig: The nerve. Moo: Well, up to this point, consensus has been that this was a display of maturity and patience on Peter's part. Sig: But in Rasputin's character...that would be rather unprecedented. Moo: Exactly. We need to remember that there was a heavy element of fear involved there, for their lives, for their world, and that this fear had to permeate Peter to a degree, and so it is our new theory that he said no not out of responsibility, but out of fear. Sig: Ooooo. Moo: There's a degree of irony there, isn't there? A man who can turn to steel and yet.... Sig (flipping page): Okay, "Fatal Attractions." (looks up) What the hell went wrong there? Moo (shaking head): Well, it's important to note that there was a period through his life beginning...gee, right after Magneto (does quote marks with his hands) "died", Rasputin had his life more or less collapse. His dead brother turns out not to be dead, and when Peter comes to grips with this, the brother dies. His sister, who had been a little girl then a demon sorceress then a little girl again dies from a plot-device virus, and his parents get gunned down by Soviet troops in the process. Sig: More or less. Moo: And he probably had a hamster running too fast on a race wheel and trip and gets caught in the spokes or something equally inane. He just had a really bad few months. Sig: Then comes Magneto. Moo: Yeah, then comes Magneto, now a raving lunatic with serious Christ complexes, with an army of mindless mutant sheep in his wake, crashing the funeral of Peter's little sister. So what does he do? He runs away with Magento! (to camera) Don't ask me. Just don't ask me. Sig: They attempted to explain this away.... Moo: The Excalibur thing? Sig: Yeah. Moo (throws a handful of papers on the floor): Okay. They try to write off Peter's behavior as "erratic", and attribute it to a skull injury. Really. He was hit in the head, and that's why he's acting like a complete and utter dunce and floating around on a rock in space. Sig: Well, he'd already had the dunce part downpat. Moo: Now follow me for this. Their strategy to a point is sound. "Hey, I know, Professor! Let's get him back down here, and use Cyclops to correct the damage and get him back to normal!" Sig: "Hey, Peter's been hit on the head, and he's hurt! Let's him him on the head again!" Moo: Even worse, it *works*, and he returns to normal, and what does he do? He goes BACK INTO SPACE! Why? Sig: Why would the Acolytes *let* him? Moo: Apparently a lot of people had sustained cranial trauma in that neighborhood. Sig: Can we chalk up all erratic behavior in the X-Teams to inadequate use of headgear? Moo: I only wish. Sig: Okay. So the important thing is, Rasputin establishes himself as...what? Moo: "Turncoat" would be the nicest phrase. "Lunatic" pops to mind. "Psychotic" would seem to arrive in there. I mean, Kitty trusts him, he dumps her. Zsaji trusts him, she ends up dead. Nereel bears his child, and he doesn't even realize it. Xavier trusts him, and he betrays him. He probably jumped out of his Book of the Month club too. Sig: Okay. So goes the life of inconstant Rasputin. What about Wisdom? Moo: We've got very little data on him and his past so far, but frankly, he could be brought up on war crimes charges and he'd still be the frontrunner. Wisdom's a former operative of "Black Air," a meaninglessly-named secret government organization. Sig: Lot of those around. Moo: Think how much they could save if they consolidated. Sig: Anyways. Black Air. Moo: Well, Wisdom more or less hops on with the Excalibur group, and Kitty doesn't trust him. Nope, doesn't trust him at all. Well, when you're a sloppy synthesis between James Bond and Fox Mulder, it's a good idea not to be trusted. Sig: So he's been a government agent. Moo: One who hated to use his powers. Really. And an issue later uses them and apologizes, saying, "Force of habit." Sig: Hrm. Moo: Yeah. He's a more or less unknown at this point, but what we know is much more sterling than our shiny steel alternate. Sig: Okay. Let's break them down by catergory. First, snappy repartee.... WISDOM RASPUTIN "Life sucks, get a "Professor, I do not fan extractor." understand...." "D'you want this "For the first time in coffee or what? I months, Logan, I feel ain't spat in it or I am in control." anything." Sig: Undoubtedly best use of the word "ain't" in a comic this year. Moo: We'll debate that later. But, quick...which would you rather have beside you at a debate meeting? Sig: Wisdom. Moo: Exactly. Round one to the Brit. Sig: And, of course, we go to the critical matters...clothing! WISDOM RASPUTIN Trenchcoat Hefty-bag with a big belt Moo: No contest there, Sig. Sig: None whatsoever. Okay, here's a personal favorite...past relationships! Moo: Uh-oh. WISDOM RASPUTIN None that we Kitty (abandoned) know of (yet) Zsaji (dead) Nereel (clueless) Callisto (dimensionally misplaced) Sig: Hrm. You gotta sympathize with the Russian on this one. Moo: ...No, you don't. And besides, you're probably forgetting a few. Sig: Either way, he loses. Wisdom could be Jack the Ripper and still be doing better than our erstwhile Ukranian. Moo: What about...say, a quick stat-by-stat breakdown before we break? Sig: Let's do.... WISDOM RASPUTIN Name connotates: mental strength hard-to-kill Russian lackey Betrayed X-Men? not yet yes Fathered children? maybe yes Snogged Kitty? yes not lately Hit on head recently? not very hard not hard enough Smokes? yes not enough Punched X-Men in back? not yet yes Can operate microwave oven without instructions? hope so doubtful Likely to win Kitty's affections? yes not bloody likely Moo: So if you're going to pick a winner in this.... Sig: It's Wisdom by a Siberian mile. It's going to be a long cold winter for the man of tin-foil when he runs into Kitty, methinks. Moo: Now the operative question is whether Wisdom can stay out of Rasputin's reach long enough for this to happen.... Sig: He better, or borrow a healing factor, because organic steel hurts when it comes plowing through your facial tissue, or so I hear. Moo: At any rate, Sig, my bottom line has to be Wisdom by 15 and a half points. Best use of Rasputin after this incident would be as an anchor somewhere off Muir Isle. Sig (nodding): Wholeheartedly concurred. (looks off- camera) What? What do you mean the issue's out? (checks watch, mutters) Moo: Hrm. I should be teaching a symposium on the evolution of the moo. (gets up, takes off microphone, leaves) Later, kids. Sig: For Dr. Clarence Eustacius Moo, this is Sigma Seven saying good night and...I don't know. Watch football or something. (shrug, fade to black) -- sigma7@ksu.ksu.edu-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=http://www.ksu.edu/~sigma7 "That which does not kill me can only tick me off." .