Subject: [DarkSlash] Bedlam Cats 9: Boobarella's Still More Offensive (BtVS/AbFab spinoff) Date: Thu, 11 Mar 2004 09:21:35 -0000 From: "sycoraxil" Summary: Spike appears stripped, oiled, chained and glistening in this one. Oh, and the Bedlam Cats face off against the wrath of Boobarella, trying to keep abreast of the situation... Disclaimer: The author would like to blame the BBC, Jennifer Saunders and Absolutely Fabulous for Boobarella. As for the Bedlam Cats, they're my own idea. Spike is a creation of Joss Whedon and the Mutant Enemy creative team. "Help!!!" Spike yelled, as Boobarella loomed ominously on the horizon, her sinister hyperdeveloped mammary glands threatening to crush all before them. In an inset frame, his future self, Lestat the vampire cat, was perplexed about why he couldn't remember more about this. Scrappy miaoued in disgust: "When I was still a straight human spotty fanboy, I dreamed about tacky episodes like this. What can we do to get rid of her?" "Louie, can you open up another Window frame and get Molde into this story?" At that point, their small green horned younger sibling popped into view, complete with a copy of the Hitch Hikers Guide to the Galaxy: "What?! Why not the Encyclopedia Galactica?" "Have you any idea how much they charge in intellectual property right licensing costs these days? Enough to consume the entire GDP of Panama. Unless Oz can impersonate that cute Seth Green doppleganger of his, this is it..." SPLUT SPLUT PHTHARP +++ BOOBARELLA: This impossibly endowed woman was despised as a mutant on her native Eroticon VI and decided to avenge herself on the surrounding universe by becoming an intergalactic crime celebrity. Unfortunately, she roamed the universe in a rather tacky retro UFO. According to conveniently disgorged alternate universe videos, Boobarella visited Earth in the seventies, where she tried to pin her smothering crimes on a certain Country and Western singer. She once imprisoned Spike (aka William Kent, a vampire) and had her filthy way with him, causing a delayed effect which turned him gay about three decades later +++ "Spikey. Spikey. Spikey. It's. Bigger Than. Both of Us. I'm in Lust. Don't. Fight it. Love is a. Roller Coaster. And I've. Just Gotta. Ride You!!!" "No!!! No!!! Eyahh!!! The platforms!!! The flares!!! I can't take anymore!!!" But Boobarella only laughed cruelly, although the badly dubbed sound happened about three minutes later, interrupting Spike's dialogue. Spike was now naked, and his nether regions were obscured by a peanut: "Say what??!! Bloody fanfic writer, he's takin' bribes from the Great Footrest to depict me in a misleading way. I'm hung like a Blue Whale, I am..." Then Spike saw the nipple clamps in her hands as they glistened in the sinister guttering neon light: "What's all that gear?!" "The Butt Plug of Rassilon. The Dildo of Rassilon. And a copy of Gay Times on Old Gallifrey..." "'Ere. You're makin' all that up. They'd never 'ave allowed all this stuff on Doctor Who..." "Apparently. The Time Lords. Went through. A lush and decadent. Period. In which. That sort of thing. Happened quite a lot. Open up wide, Spikeykins..." "No!!! No!!! I am not the plaything of your wanton pleasures..." At this point, the author finally took pity on poor Spike, as the vampire cats burst into the time postule and beset the brutal big breasted barbarian and butcher. "I'll. Be back!!!" Boobarella warned, as they bested her, and she disappeared in a whirl of cheap BBC special effects from the seventies. It seemed that the degradation of the Time Stream had been averted. Or was this just another cheap and gratuitous excuse for a crossover? Boobarella took one look at the Borg cube that she'd ended up in and gushed: "Oooh. Leather. Chrome. Metal. Bondage. Gear." "We Are the Borg. You Will Not Be Assimilated. Even We Have Our Limits..." "Nyahhha. Hahah. Haaaha. Hah. Watch out. Kitty Fantastico. From parody's liver. I mock at you. And your Trill Morris the Cat lookalike. Of variable. Gender." Carmilla gasped: "Mother! She's in danger." TO BE CONTINUED IN A CAT TREK OF THE REMAN SLAYERS CROSSOVER, "BOOBARELLA IN BORG BONDAGE!!!" "What cheek. Damned upstart Big Bads, this is our series..."