Subject: Kittyslash (Het, Animals, Hormones, Zombies)(Kitty Fantastico/Patches) Date: Fri Dec 20, 2002 4:52 pm From: "sycoraxil " Summary: Why should humans have all the fun or angst in the Buffyverse? Inspired by Neil Gaiman's Sandman story "Dream of a Thousand Cats" NB: Patches is an undead zombie cat reanimated by a Nigerian mask. I'm assuming that the human zombies in that episode were nuked when the mask ceased to exist, but Patches, as a nonhuman, wasn't. Ow. I wish I hadn't done it. All right, call me easy, but he was goodlooking. Large, firm muscles, walked like a prince, and I fell immediately in love with him. Okay, so I should have realised he wasn't n*****ed, but you know cat pheromones, they don't take no for an answer. Oh, Willow and Tara-humans were infuriated at their werehuman friend for a while, complained why did he not keep his scabby and disintegrating tomcat under control. Excuse me, aren't I allowed a libido of my own? Anyway, then I started to feel queasy and there were... things... moving around in my belly. Well, the humans packed me off to the v*t for an operation, or so they said, except when I came around, the... things... were still there. Turns out the little buggers bit the arm off one of the v*ts when he tried to remove them from me. So here I am, in this room, in this pentacle. Funny thing, they haven't hurt me. Ow. Contractions starting. Oww! Ah... one... two... three... four... five. Oh. Oh, are kittens supposed to have wholly red eyes and be able to walk at once? Oh, Patches, you may have been a studmuffin, but I don't like the way they're looking at the humans outside it. "Vampire kittens. Oh, this is ridiculous." Willow exclaimed. "Well, theoretically, that's what happens when a zombie tomcat mates with an ordinary or common garden variety cat." "Mmmrrrdraouuu... " Willow rounded on Patches: "Oh piss off, you undead bag of feline hormones, haven't you done enough damage to poor little Kitty? Look at our lovely girl, she's exhausted... " "Mrrrhsss mrrrhsss mrrhsss." The five cute but deadly vampire kittens stopped short and stared at their father. His sightless eyes indicated the pentacle, to which Willow replied: "No. We get Buffy to stake them." "Wait a minute, sweetheart. I think he's up to something... " Patches, you hunk of hair and bone, what are you doing? Oh. Oh, all right, I see. Yes, Tara-human, good idea. "Are you crazy?" exclaimed Willow, as Tara inscribed a magical corridor, as the vampire kittens followed the line of herbs and chalk to the waiting scruffy and retreaded zombie tomcat. Abruptly, as they did, they were hit with a burst of energy and turned inside out, and five ordinary looking kitties stared up with puzzlement, before wrinkling up their noses, and scampering away to their mother. "There. Feline ensoulment spell, they needed contact with their father to complete it, I just remembered." "Yeah, but they're still vampires." "They are, but we can teach them morality." "Er, Kitty is normal, but that didn't prevent her from succumbing to her hormones when she wanted short squat and scabrous over there." Excuse me, Willow-human, do I criticise your romantic choices? And that's why you may not have seen me around the place in regularly scheduled adventures. Patches still comes around, but I've been belatedly fixed up, and he's introduced me to some of his zombie friends, like this undead blue Norwegian parrot named Polly. As for my offspring, can I help it if neighbourhood dogs have a short lifespan around here? As they say around here, love is a strange thing.