Subject: [DarkSlash] Kittyslash 9: Kitty v Miss Edith (Evil Dolls and Heavy Weaponry) Date: Fri, 07 Feb 2003 22:24:22 -0000 From: "sycoraxil " Summary: Kitty Fantastico reads the recent Miss Edith fic and is consumed by jealousy. She takes matters into her own paws... Disclaimer: Kitty Fantastico, Patches and Miss Edith are all owned by Joss Whedon, UPN and WB. However, they complain incessantly to me about lack of exposure in Buffy and Angel. However, the five vampire kittens are eating me out of house and surrounding doglife, so someone please take them off my hands, as they're mine. At about three o'clock one afternoon, I was having a catnap when I heard a chortle. I looked up to see one of my progeny of vampire kittens rolling around in helpless mirth: "Claudia?" "Oh, sorry, mom. The grrls at the Bronze Kitty Annex gave me this stuff called 'slash', and ..." She collapsed in helpless amusement, as I read onward: "Me...and Amy the Rat??!! This is..." "Absolutely hilarious..." Claudia mewed, until I glowered at her: "I am *not* into lesbian interspecies sex, young lady. No, don't say that I've had sex across the mortality barrier, that isn't particularly unusual in this town, anyway." "I know what you mean. Have you seen Xander-human's new cat, what a hottie..." "Down, grrl. Has he been neutered?" "Xander-human? Well, not according to Anya." "Anya is a nice being, she can't stand bunnies either. No, I meant this piece of studfur that you seem intent on." "He's called Scrappy." "A d*g? Xander-human named his new owner after a d*g? I worry about him sometimes." "According to Anya, she wants him for his body, whatever that means." I read further: "Why, that brazen...have you seen this, Claudia?! That interfering porcelain piece of alabaster trash! I'll fix her! No-one violates my bandwidth!" Claudia regarded me with curious eyes: "Mom, you're going dark again..." "Mdraaouul?" Patches queried as I padded toward my heavy weapons and firepower section. "Two words, Patches, sweetie. Miss. Edith." And so it was that I showed up in Los Angeles, sporting a small but perfectly formed bazooka. Out came the accursed porcelain doll, with a cigarette holder, and her evil ex-Barbie main squeeze, Darkmage Hekate the Sorceress Doll (TM): "Get the hell out of my bandwith, doll grrl!" "Oh go away, Miss Kitty. No-one's into the tawdry domestic sagas of a boring housecat and her rapidly deteriorating zombie cat husband, and those five vampire kittens of yours are so tacky." "Eat frag shell death, bitch doll!" I fired first, as Claudia applauded: "Mom, you didn't tell me you were so good with battlefield artillery!" "I'm just protecting what's rightfully ours, namely the very concept of funny darkslash." "Hah! Excuse me, *I* was the one who introduced the plot variable of senseless use of weaponry into this egroup!" Miss Edith retorted, as she wheeled out a tank she'd concealed somewhere. Damn her and that heavy vehicle license of hers! "Look, what's a doll doing alive anyway? At least cat sentience is remotely plausible..." I critiqued at her, as Lestat and Louie loaded another shell into my bazooka. "Oh right, as is the fact that you have fire Adorable Vampire Kittens. They carry the strip anyway, even if they're growing up and not so Cute anymore." "Hey!" Claudia growled. "She's impugning our cuteness, what cheek. Drat, and she doesn't have any blood either. What a nuisance." Patches padded up and motioned toward the tank: "Myrrr nygraouu." My husband did have a point, even if he had had the tip of his tail bitten off by a demon in a recent outing of ours against a hellhound with bad breath. "Oi, death doll!" "Flattery will get you nowhere, Ms. K." "Ceasefire. Short squat and studly, my beloved, has just had an idea. He thinks we should alternate weeks on this egroup, so as not to crowd each others bandwidth." "And divide the merchandising revenue between us?" Miss Edith considered this. "Oh, all right. This skirmish is over. Actually, dear, that's a very nice tank. I like what you've done with the colour co-ordination..." "I wish I could take credit, but it was all my darling Darkmage Hekate the Sorceress'es idea..." And so, it all ended profitably ever after.