Chapter 5.01

Buffy followed the sound of the voices through the indistinct, yet somehow barren landscape. Every step seemed to be a tremendous effort. Her body was almost paralysed with fear, and yet the emotion was not her own. She could make out six or seven distinct voices. Four were cruel and taunting. One seemed to be filled with sadness. One alternately screamed in pain and pleaded for mercy. One seemed mostly neutral with a side order of curious, as if the person he addressed were some soap opera character, who had acted against expectation and he wanted to know how things were going to turn out.

"You killed me for her, but you'll die alone," Drusilla taunted.

"She can't love you. She told you what she really thinks." This voice was Spike's own, the slightest lisp telling her that he was in game face.

"You don't have a soul. There's nothing good or clean in you." Her own voice, each word accompanied by the sound of flesh hitting flesh, provided counterpoint before the vampire continued. Buffy forced her feet on, but always the voices seemed to come from just around the next corner or just over the next rise.

"You might have her fooled for now, but what happens when she sees what you're like inside? When she sees into the darkest corners of your mind? When she sees how much you want to make him scream."

"It's no more than he deserves. He betrayed her. He's a danger to both her and her sister." This was the sad voice, the accent not unlike Giles' but the voice so much softer.

"All true, boy." An Irish brogue. "But they're not the only reasons you want to kill him. You want to hurt him because he was there before you. Because she cried out beneath him as he spilled warm seed inside her. Because she never flinched away from his touch as if it would defile her or tried to hide him away from her friends. Because she took him home to Joyce. One up on even me, but then you always were a mother's boy, weren't you, William."

"If you can't both learn all the bad as well as all the good and love each other still then all you're left with is a world of pain." This was Lorne, though why he should be there Buffy had no idea.

"Do you think your broken dolly can love you?" the vampiress taunted. "No one ever really loved you. Not even your mum."

"That's right, Dru. What was it you told me she said... Should've bashed his useless brains out as soon as he slithered down her leg and spared herself the agony of puttin' up with him for twenty odd years. Didn't think I knew about that, did ya?"

"Naughty daddy. You said you wouldn't tell."

"You should have known Dru would hear every word, whether she was in the room or not, and she knows how much I appreciate a good joke. Come on. How pathetic d'ya have to be t' want to share yer eternal existence with yer poor old mum.

I mean, killin' them's one thing. Turnin' them. That's just too much, or maybe you did want to get back under her skirts? Didn't she say that, as well? You got a taste of Dru and it made you wonder what yer dear old mum had been hidin' under her petticoats? D'you still keep her picture? Oh, dear, tomb go boom, to use the local vernacular. That didn't help the squaddie's case any either, did it? Looked a mite like Joycie, didn't she? Until you staked her?

Look at her." Buffy became aware, once more, of the sound of flesh on flesh. Somewhere in the background, her voice told Spike that she would never be his girl. "A few years and I reckon you'll finally near enough get yer wish. If ya can keep her that is. The nose is different and the eyes aren't blue, but she'll look close enough in the dark, don't you think? Specially if she grows back those curls ya liked so much. I kinda liked it when she was on top. 'Course she didn't have the practice then that she has now, but then you don't look to be havin' so great a time. Nearly did for ya, then. Good job ya'd bought that phone so ya' could ring yer wrinkly Samaritan. Or was it? Wouldn't she have been better off if ya'd just had the decency to stay put till sunrise? Anyway, where was I? Practice. You saw to that. Taught her things as would've made a Whitechapel hoor blush back in the day. Just like you wanted to teach yer dear old mum, huh?"

"It wasn't like that."

"It wasn't like that... or you just don't want to admit even to yourself it was like that? Why would she lie? She knew you. She listened to your drivel and she knew it was like that. She knew what you wanted."

"That thing wasn't my mother."

"And you're not William and I'm not Liam, I suppose? Is that what you tell yourself? No, William, that was your mother and you killed her twice over.

Even if she could accept what you want to do to Soldier Boy, she'll never love you when she finds out about that. Not even the old bat could love you, so why should she?"

For seconds silence reigned, as if Spike or William had nothing more to say in his own defence.

"Stop it!" The voice was almost a whimper. "You can't do this. I'm human."

"Wouldn't give a damn if you were a bloody panda bear in disguise, mate. You're goin' to tell me everythin'."

"The chip..."

"I'n't there no more. And even if it was this is just a dream."

"Buffy'll kill you for this. It's who she is. She kills scum like you who harm humans."

"That's as may be. But I'll find out who's behind all this and see them in their grave first. And that hang up you have 'bout bein' human? Wouldn't that require a heartbeat? Always said you weren't all that bright. It makes the torturin' so much easier when you know you don't have to sweat whether they're goin' to die or not. Who knows maybe if I get bored I can use that plastic stake you liked so much."

"You're an animal. You think she'll ever love you when she sees what you're capable of."

"Least I'm doin' it to keep her safe. An' even if I lose her because of it... that's a price I'll pay." There was the slightest tremor in the older vampire's voice and Buffy was frozen in place. The sense of terror was so strong.

"The most terrifying thing he's ever done is let himself hope that you could love him." The gentle clamour of ice-cubes against glass brought Buffy's head around and she found Lorne standing next to her, drink in hand.

"I do."

"Do you?" the anagogic demon asked. "Can you say you love him, even though he's hidden so much of what he is from you? Can you see the worst there is to see and not have it change how you feel about him? He doesn't think so. He thinks he's already lost you."

"I don't know what else there is to know, but I've come to terms with what I know of his past."

"That's not what he's worried about. Not really."

"So what is he worried about?"

"He looks like a man. For you, he's made himself act like a man, but he'll never think like a man."

"I know that."

"He'd kill that ex of yours and sleep better at night for it, if it wasn't for your feelings. He doesn't care whether he's up against humans or demons, well, other than in terms of whether they're a challenge or not. He doesn't care about good or evil, or whether the people you're up against are just misguided. For him there are only two sides in any argument; "us" meaning anyone he cares about, and "them" meaning anyone that in any way threatens the "us"es."

"And? There are plenty of men who think that way too."

"And he believes that when you see who he truly is, once you truly experience how he feels no remorse for anyone who stands in his way, that you'll turn away from him."

"I can't promise unconditionally that I won't. That doesn't mean that the reasons I fell in love with him just cease to exist."

Lorne shrugged and took another sip of his drink. "Every time you've made a choice you've chosen humans over him. And yet, it's not in his nature to let this thing go. They took away his identity, made him feel violated and it's been eating away at his soul for years."

"He does-."

"Can it, sugar. You can't tell me that guy could love you the way he does without a soul. Maybe it's not the same as a human soul, but I thought you were starting to see past the whole Humans First party line. You think having a soul's so great, then take a look over there." As the demon nodded of to his left and ahead of the pair, Buffy could see herself straddling Spike as she beat his face into a pulp. Yet, her fists were kinder than her words.

She had denied everything he had struggled so hard to become, trying to break him back down until he was nothing more than the unfeeling, loveless beast she had once thought him to be. She had had to, because in the early hours of the morning when she'd acknowledged her fears she'd known that she was no longer capable of love. She'd often wondered whether her soul had failed to make the return trip, if that was what was missing, why Spike's chip didn't register her as human.

She had to believe that he was less than human, that his feelings were of no worth, because otherwise the way she'd treated him could never be forgiven.

And she'd been so wrong... about all of it.

Buffy set off at a run, but no matter how hard she tried, the figures didn't seem to get any closer.

"You can't stop it." Lorne seemed to amble along side her. "That memory is a part of him, and whether you like the word or not, it's burned into his soul. That is more real to him than you are."

"I have to stop it. It's wrong. She's wrong. I was wrong."

"You know that. But a part of him will always believe that you were simply treating him as he deserved. He believes he's unlovable, that even when he was human his personality was so inherently flawed that no woman could ever care for him."

"What about his mother? Before, Dru and Angel were talking about her. Surely..."

"Not why I'm here, sweetcheeks. I'm not really me you know, I'm not even really him, though he brought me here in the first place. He's too busy tormenting himself to be explaining things through me. I'm just your sounding board. You want to find out about his past you're going to have to speak to him."

"But I can't get to him. He's always just out of reach."

"Then I guess you'll just have to hope he wakes up, pumpkin."

"What do you mean hope? Why shouldn't he wake up?"

"Don't tell me you're lying in his arms and you can't tell he's terrified? Hell, even I don't need a tune to tell me that."

"I can feel it. I can feel it stronger than all my own emotions, but what's it got to do with waking up?"

"Sugar, you've seen what he's doing to himself? Well, he'd rather stay here like this than wake up and have that fear of losing you become reality..."