Excalibur #111: The MSTK Disclaimer: This script and the characters were originally shown in Marvel Comics' Excalibur #111, written by Ben Raab. Author's Note: All right, I admit it. I hate Raab. I *hate* him, and Excal 111 clinched it. I'm sorry, Raab fans, this is a personal opinion which I would not seek to impose on anyone else who is unwilling, so be forewarned that this is a blatant parody of his work. For those who dislike his stuff... well, share in my revenge. ;) I kept as much as the original script as I could, so I hope this was worth the time it takes to read. This is not technically an MSTK, since it doesn't have the SOL crew, but rather, this is what would happen if the characters participating in the comic got together and MST3K'd it... ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Meggan sits on the roof of a building, more depressed than a German opera and looking at her engagement ring, saying, "I Meggan... do solemnly swear..." Meggan: Why am I swearing? I don't swear -- it's rude. And why am I talking to my ring? Kurt: There there, fraulein. At least *you're* not quoting paraphrased Shakespeare to a pile of scrap. Pete: It was a pile of *somethin'*, a'right... "to take you -- Brian Braddock -- to be my lawfully wedded husband... to love, to honor, to cherish... for richer or for poorer... in sickness and in health... as long as we both shall live." Meggan gets up and hauls back, ready to pitch the ring into the ionosphere. Meggan: What?! I love Brian, and I love his ring! Kitty: Not to mention the fact that it cost a small fortune... Kurt: Ja. I rather doubt the "richer or for poorer" part would have applied to Brian, though. He *is* disgustingly wealthy... "All these things I would gladly vow to you, my love," Meggan says, "but how can I endure this loneliness living *without* you--?" Pete: You'll go catatonic again. That way Raab won't have to worry about giving ya a personality. Kitty: When has he *ever* worried about giving us personalities? Pete: Point. Piotr emerges from the interior of Meggan's perch wearing a raincoat. "What are you doing?" he asks. Pete: Funny, I woulda thought it was kind o' obvious. Kitty: Where *is* Piotr? Why are they using the "substitute" Peter? Kurt: He ran off to the shower, mumbling something that sounded like: "So dirty... so dirty..." and then collapsed in a fit of hysterics. He was curled in a fetal position when I left him. "Please, Piotr," Meggan says, "you don't want to be here right now." Pete: Why? PMS? Kitty: Pete! [slap] Pete: Ow! What was that for?! Meggan: What did he say? Kurt: Never mind, Meg. "Why?" Piotr persists. "So you can catch your death, spending the night in the rain, all alone? Your elemental powers could keep you dry..." Meggan: Didn't I spend about a year under a waterfall? Kurt: Conveniently forgotten, ja... "There," Meggan says, creating a bubble of dryness around them. "An invisible air shield." Pete: Hmm. Y'know, Carlos was a great costume designer, but do you *really* think raisin' yer arms in that green thing is a good idea? Kitty: Oh, like you're not enjoying it. Pete: Did *I* say that? "Come inside, little one," Piotr urges. "Tell me what's wrong--" "I miss him, Piotr," Meggan says, crumpling to the ground. "I miss him so much, it hurts. Kitty: So much it hurts, or so much this plot-thread hurts? There *is* a difference... I haven't slept a wink since Brian left. And when I do -- I'm awakened by the nightmare that he's gone forever! How I miss him so..." Meggan: If I haven't slept a wink, then when did I dream about him? Pete: Yer sure it's not one o' those mystical Oriental trance-things? I mean, this is the same git that's doin' the Crimson Dawn series... Kitty [pointing fingers like gun]: Bang, Wisdom. You have spoken the forbidden words. We must eat your brain. Kurt: Katzchen, are you *positive* your relationship with Wisdom hasn't... ah, effected you in any way? Kitty: Pretty sure, yeah. Why do you ask? _Poor thing,_ Piotr thinks. Pete: To be trapped in a script like this... _She's been so lonely -- so isolated -- since Captain Britain's departure last week._ Meggan: I'm confused. I've gone a *week* without sleep? I should look horrid! "We all miss him, Meg," Piotr says. "But he loves you -- and he will return... someday. And that's why nothing can ever truly keep you two apart." Meggan: Wait, I kept score around here... oh. here it is. "Things That Have Kept Brian and I Apart: Reality/time barriers, mystical/psychological possessions and/or manipulation, loss of sense-of-self, fascist otherworldly dictators..." Kurt: Was? Meggan: Kitty helped. Kurt: Ah. "I suppose." Meggan sniffs. "I guess you're right. We've been through so much together. He... completes... me. And I, him. And as long as I have a friend like you, Piotr Nikolievitch Rasputin -- I'll never be alone." Pete: When did those two get so pal-y? Meggan: Last time I saw him I think was when we were in that big crystal palace place with the other X-Men. You remember, Kitty, when Betsy still loved Doug? Kitty: Oh, yeah! Logan told me about that one -- when he almost became God, right? Meggan: That's it! But... Colossus wasn't there. What? Inside... the rest of Excalibur awaits the arrival of an old fried. Some less patiently than others. "He'll be here in a sec, Kurt," Rahne says. "Can ye nae relax?" Kitty: "In a sec"? Rahne? Rahne [entering conversation]: I dunna know, Kitty! I've no' talked like tha' ever! No' even when I was in the New Mutants! "Nein, Rahne," Kurt replies. "I do not like being in the viper's den one bit." Pete: Viper? Hey, ain't she with that Spiral chippie? Kurt: Ja, I believe so. Gets around, doesn't she? "Shaw Industries is a world-renowned megacorp, wot's the big deal?" Pete inquires from his spot on the couch. Pete: ACK! I sound like the bloody furnace over in GenX! Kitty: Better than sounding like a Valley girl! Kurt: Why do I get the feeling Herr Raab has never been in England before in his life? Rahne: I miss Mr. Ellis. He at least knew how tae get my accent right. Kurt: There, there, Rahne. We all miss Warren. "The "big deal," ya silly sod," Kitty says, "is that this building... this entire company... belongs to one of the X-Men's deadliest enemies!" Kitty: You would think I would know, since I spent most of my first day as a mutant being chased around by their cronies. Rahne sniffs the air. "Do nae worry, Kitty," she assures her friend. "Muh wolf senses detect nae trace o' Sebastian Shaw, nor any o' those other spaleens from the Hellfire Club. Pete: What the bloody 'ell's a "spaleen"? Rahne: Ye know, I forgot. Kitty: I get the feeling Raab has, too... Buuut... I do smell one familiar scent... Dr. Rory Campbell!" Rory strides into the room wearing the most appalling purple and red outfit ever seen, leaning on a cane. " 'Allo there, mates," he says cheerily. "Been a spell, ain't it?" Kitty: Oh my God, Rory's become Australian! Rory [entering]: No I haven't. I'm just in the hands of an incompetent. ...Why am I wearing spandex?! "Och, Rory," Rahne says as she and Kitty bound up to him, " 'tis so good tae see ye again, lad!" Meggan: Why do you call him "lad" when he's at least a decade older than you? Rahne: Generic accent, I guess. "Totally!" Kitty exclaims. Kitty: Yep, Rahne's right. See, there it is again. What did this guy do, hang around at a SoCal mall and listen to eleven year olds talk? I'm starting to feel physically ill here... "And hey, check it out--! You're walking on two legs again!" "Easy, lassies!" Rory exclaims. Kurt: Look, Rory, you've become a Scotsman. Rory: I think he's trying to cram every English-speaking culture into one comic -- and failing miserably. "I may be bipedal again -- but the prosthetic and I are still getting acquainted with one another!" Pete: Rory, leg. Leg, Rory. There. Now get over it, ya bloody wanker! "Nice piece o' hardware ya got there, Campbell," Pete says from the corner. "Awful generous... of Shaw." Pete: Aw, no, I'm talkin' like Shatner now! "Yes, well..." Rory says, "believe it or not, Shaw is an honorable man. It's a shame he's not here to prove it." "Just the same, Rory," Kurt began, "I breathe much easier knowing he's not. Kurt [rolling eyes]: I should think so. They decimated our entire team at least twice, and each time at least *one* of the women ended up a bustier. Pete: Hmm... Meggan, Kitty, and Rahne: Don't even *think* it! Besides... I doubt he'd approve of you using your Shaw Industry privileges to shuttle us back home to Muir Island..." "Just you let me worry about that, O Fearful Leader!" Rory proclaims. Kurt: From depressive to neurotic that fast, hmm, mein freund? Rory: At least I'm not angst ridden... Kitty: Yet. "Now, what do you say we catch up on old times -- while maxing out the ol' corporate account with some killer shopping sprees and a slew of lavish dinners?" Kitty: Time to play -- Guess That Accent!!! Meggan: Generic Queen's English? Pete: Old people tryin' to sound hip? Rahne: Surfer dude? Kitty: Bingo! We have a winner! "Suh-weeet!" Rahne and Kitty say, high-fiving each other as they leave the room. Rory: You were saying, ladies? Kitty: Oh, shut up. "You thinking what I'm thinking, Wisdom?" Kurt asks. Pete: When did we get to be best buddies? Last I looked you were going to rip my head off and toss it into the ocean. Kurt: Probably the same time I started quoting paraphrased Shakespeare. "Yup," Pete replies. "Want I should do some checking up on our ol' "pal"?" "Bitte," Kurt nods, "but be discreet about it. Pete: Oh, be discreet in one of yer greatest enemies' humble abodes, sure, no problem... Though Rory is a long-trusted friend... the shadow of Ahab -- the mutant-hating monster he might someday become -- hangs heavily over his head. God help us if Shaw is manipulating him to such a horrific end. Rory: WHAT?!?! AMANDA! YOU PROMISED! Kurt: Ah, heh heh, sorry, Herr Campbell, you know what slips out during pillow talk... Kitty: Um, Kurt, this may not be the best time to discuss your... habits... Rory: GRRRRRR... Now go -- I'll cover for you..." And as his friends prepare for a night full of reunions and revelry, Pete Wisdom quietly steals away, surreptitiously past unsuspecting guard after guard, down level after level, to the nucleus of Shaw Industries' M.I.S Department. Pete: Is it M.I.S or M.I.6? Or was that F.I.6? Oh, to bloody hell with it all. _Now let's see what Dr. Campbell has been up to since we last parted,_ he thinks as he hacks into the computer. Rahne: But you didn't much care for him back then, did you? Kitty: Got you there, Pete. Rory [turning to Pete]: *You* were the one who called me "Hopalong Campbell," weren't you? Pete: Er... _Went to Japan... got fitted for the prosthetic... parted company with Alistaire Stuart, who then returned to England. Most likely to reorganize that mess we call W.H.O.! Came to Hong Kong to thank Shaw, etc. etc. Well, nothing seems out of the ordinary. Hmnn... hope no one'll notice I'm checking into something a bit more personal... bypassing external security codes... linking to Muir Island's server. C'mon... c'mon... c'mon... stupid freakin' modem!_ Kitty: For a multi-million dollar system you'd think they could get a faster modem, wouldn't you? And since when have *you* been good with computers? Who was it that had to hack into the Dream Nails complex for you? Which, by the way, you *still* haven't properly thanked me for... Pete [rolling eyes]: Yes, my goddess. I shall slaughter Bill Gates at your feet as tribute. [You're got Vid-Mail!] the computer exclaims. _A-ha! I'm in! Been in bleedin' Hong Kong a week now, and still no leads about that cheeky bird from "Peckham". Jardine better come through for me this time..._ Pete: He owes me, too. What's this, twice I've saved his daughter? The image of his old espionage pal, Jardine, appears on the screen. "I've gathered the information you were so desperate for, Peter," Jardine's image says, "and I'm afraid "the jig is up!" So to the "Ratskeller" in Hamburg -- ASAP! There, you will find our old "friend" -- Goethe. Kitty: Did he say Goethe or Goth? Or does it matter? Pete: Dunno. Have you *seen* me friends? He... er, eh..." Jardine glances around nervously, "he will provide all the information you... uh, er... require. Listen -- Peter -- I -- I'd... uh, er... I'd better go. This link-up is bloody dicey enough as it is -- and I think... blast it all! I think I've been followed!" "Oi, cueball," comes a voice from outside the range of the screen, "ya wanna quit flappin' those gums, cor blimey!" Pete: Sounds a lot like one o' those morons tryin' to *sound* British. Meggan: So your friend is being attacked by Ben Raab? "No! Stay back! Not... you... AAARRGH!" There's a "shunk" noise, and a fair amount of Jardine splatters across the screen as the line goes dead. Rahne: Occh, tha's disgusting. Pete: HEY?! Who does this git think he is, goin' about and killin' me best contact?! We got rights too! _Oh, bloody heck!_ Pete thought, the cigarette dropping out of his limp jaw. _The link-up's dead! And... and so is J-Jardine..._ He rose from the chair and made his way out of the hall. _Me gut told me it'd come t' this, old friend. I'm so sorry. But I swear your sacrifice will not be in vain..._ Kurt: So your old friend is dead, and your reaction is "Oh, bloody heck!"? Rory: Not exactly the most sensitive fellow, is he? Safely logged off -- but shaken to the core -- Wisdom departs the M.I.S Department, his cyber-tracks clear... but his footsteps dogged. Pete [sarcastically]: Gee, thanks for the warning. A few hours later, in Hong Kong's sprawling Western district, after our heros have nearly exhausted Rory's expense account. Some choosing to indulge themselves and simply "let it all hang out" Kurt: Now *there's* a terrifying scenario. in a way their danger-fraught lives rarely allow. Others adopting a more "conservative" approach. "Lookin' might fine there, Pryde," Pete says as he and Kitty enter the Chinese restaurant. Pete: I'll say. I don't think I've ever seen that much skin on you in my life! Kitty [reddening]: It's not *my* fault! Pete: Heh heh. Look, even Meggan's wearing more'n you are... Kurt: You two are going to do this all night, aren't you? Kitty & Pete: Yes. "Why, thank you, Mr. Wisdom," Kitty says with a smile. "You look as rumpled as ever. "{This way, please,}" the waiter says in Chinese as he points to the main dining room, "{Dr. Campbell awaits you at his usual table.}" Rory: Actually, for all we know he could be rattling off a list of vegetables. Rahne: It works for Gambit, doesn't it? "Using the old image inducer to disguise yourself as your boyhood hero, "Errol Flynn" -- eh, tovarisch?" Piotr says as he glances at Kurt. Kurt: Strange, I feel so filthy all of a sudden. [Rahne gives him a dirty look.] Kurt: It was a joke. Really. Pete: You'd think they'd have put some personality into that steel-clone of their's. Make up for the lack o' one in the original. [Kitty whacks him.] "Ja, Piotr," Kurt replies over his shoulder. "An utterly handsome and dashing blue-furred, silver-tongued devil though I may be -- I'd rather not draw any undue attention to us." _A wise strategy, misfit,_ thinks a vaguely demonic looking man in the corner, _but a marginally successful one at best!_ Rory: Did anyone invite any ominous invisible strangers to dinner. Kitty: I don't know. Pete, your father isn't in town, is he? Pete: Pryde, don't make me hurt you. Several courses -- and servings of rice wine -- later... "Captain Britain's lost his powers?" Rory says. "Crikey! Such a hale and hearty chap, to be cut down so soon in his super-heroic prime." Rory: Christ, it's happening again... Kitty: The horror... the horror... Pete: And you say *I'm* a ham. "He'll be back, Rory," Meggan assures him. "My Brian can survive anything!" Kurt [under his breath]: Even if it *does* take an Omniversal Guardian or two... Meggan: Sorry, Kurt? Kurt: Nothing, Meg. _Hiding your shame with small talk -- eh, old boy,_ Rory thinks as he dabs his mouth with a napkin. _Think your old mates would still be as genial -- if they knew you'd traded vital data about the Legacy Virus to one of their greatest enemies... all for the price of being able to walk on two legs again..?_ Kitty: All right, Rory, spill it. *Which* of our greatest enemies did you give it to this time? I mean, Moira is still trying to keep it away from the feds... Rory: Ah... er... would you believe I forgot? All: No. "Hey, speaking of absent friends," Rory says aloud, "where's the lovely Amanda Sefton?" "Uh-oh," murmur Kitty and Piotr as one. Pete: Someone had a little *too* much wine, didn't they, hmm? Rory: People, if there is a taboo, will someone kindly warn me *before* I'm up to my ankles in it? Pete: Touchy, touchy, hopalong... Kitty: Pete. Don't. Start. "Uhhh, is there something I should know, meine freunden?" Kurt ventures, raising an eyebrow. Kitty: If the "e" on mein adds towards a female noun, and "en" equals plural or neutral... shouldn't it have been meinen freunden? Kurt? Am I getting it right? Kurt [sighing]: I just don't know any more... "Da, tovarisch," Piotr admits. "Amanda felt she hadn't 'been herself lately' as a member of Excalibur, and that she simply needed to leave." "Yet, she couldn't even be bothered to say "good-bye" to me -- her boyfriend?!" Pete: This tellin' ya anything about your relationship, 'Crawler? Kurt: Tell me, Wisdom, do you have some sort of death wish? "More than that -- she did not say, my friend. And with all that happened afterwards, I'm afraid I forgot to tell you. I'm truly sorry." Rory: Oh, no he's not. "Ah, you know birds, Wagner," Pete says glibly as Kitty moans, "Ohhh, boy. Here he goes..." "--They say they want a stable an' steady relationship t' keep you at the nest -- but they're just waitin' f'r ya t' turn yer back an' fly the coop themselves!" Pete: What is this, some sort of obsession with birds? "That cheeky bird from Peckham" -- "fly the coop themselves"... "Peter Wisdom!" Kitty exclaims, setting aside her chopsticks. "That is one of the most juvenile... insecure... and totally idiotic statements I have ever heard spring from any inebriated man's mouth im my entire--" Kitty: Well, at least I'm using my vocabulary again... "Greetings, musume," says an undetected figure from behind Kitty. "I have returned for you -- "daughter"!" Pete: And you say *I* have weird friends. "...life," Kitty finished, dropping her chopsticks. "Oh, come off it, Pryde," Wisdom mutters, staring at an unidentifiable chunk of meat as Kitty stares vacantly into space, "y' know I was just tryin' t' cheer the guy up! Hey, ya gonna finish that egg roll?" Rory: My, aren't we the sensitive one. Pete: If she'd wanted a sensitive guy she'd've stuck with the bleedin'-heart starving-artist Ruskie. Right, Kitty? Kitty: ... He gets no response, and Kitty continues to stare vacantly into space. Kurt: So, this would be like a regular Friday night for you, ja, Herr Wisdom? [Rahne and Meggan snicker.] "Uhhh, Kitty?" Pete says. "Ya okay there, luv?" No reply. He waves a hand in front of her face. "Call me crazy, folks," he says, "but I think we've got a problem here." Kitty [rolling eyes and muttering]: No shit, Sherlock. "Correction, mortal--" Kitty says, throwing Wisdom through the paper screen and upsetting the table, "you have lots of problems!" She picks up two knives and hurls them at Kurt and Pete. Rahne: Occh, I wonder what brought that on? Pete: Listen, furball, until *you've* had a date with a super-brainy mutant ninja I don't think you're one to talk. Kurt: So this *is* a common occupance... "Making a... big mistake, that's what," Pete says, igniting his hand. "Think ya've got some "hot knives" there, m'luv? Nah. Those ain't "hot" knives -- these are hot knives!" Kitty: One more pun. One more pun, and I swear, my head will explode. Meggan: Hey... weren't we eating with chopstacks? Kurt: Sticks, Meg. Chop*sticks*. Meggan: Oh, right. But if we were eating with sticks, where'd she get knives? Pete: Congratulations, luv -- you've just spontaneously mutated. Kitty: Great. I'm Shadowcat -- phases through solid objects, walks on air, and pulls deadly culinary devices out of thin air. Pete: Just ain't as snappy, is it? As Pete Wisdom's pyrokinetic power deflects the razor-sharp projectiles -- protecting him from harm, so does Shadowcat's inborn power -- to become intangible protect her from their ricochet! "Duck an' cover, everybody!" Rahne cries, throwing herself to the ground. Kurt: Wunderbar. Now we've turned ordinary knives into ordinary knives warmed by something much akin to a solar flare. Good plan, Wisdom. Pete: What am I supposed to do, let 'em skewer me? Rory: Can I answer that? "Bozhe moi!" Piotr exclaims. Rahne: This clone has a one-track mind, doesn't he? _Has Katya lost her mind? What would possess her to attack Wisdom so? Pete: This from the guy who mauled me the first day he got back?! Rory: Let's have a show of hands on who's thinking of killing him right now... We must subdue her without anyone getting hurt -- a task that I, in my armored form, stand the safest chance of accomplishing!_ He transforms into his iron form. "Ahhh, the invulnerable man "I" once loved..." Kitty sneers. "I don't wish to harm you, Katya -- but you endanger not only the lives of your friends--" he grabs her and lifts her off the table "--but those of many innocent bystanders! This madness must cease!" Pete: He's a bleedin' Clark Kent! "Innocent bystanders" my English-- Kitty: Pete, how would you like to have one of those clapping monkeys phased into your brain? "OWWW!" Kitty moans. "Piotr -- you're hurting me!" _Her voice--_ Piotr thinks, _It's normal again! She must truly be in pain!_ "Katya, I'm so sorry! I--" Kitty slams her foot into his knee, "ARRGH!" Pete: Wait -- so if I wanted to hurt him, all I'd have to do is kick him in the *knee*? Hmm. Gotta remember that... "Fool!" Kitty cries. "Despite your steely hide, you too can be felled -- by one skilled in the arts of the ninja--" she slips out of his grasp and phases through the floor, "--and wielding the powers of a ghost!" Meggan: If she could do that in the first place, why didn't she just phase out of Piotr's arms? Kurt: Plot contrivance again, I suspect. "To the basement, people -- schnell!" Kurt exclaims, teleporting away. A puff of smoke, the stench of brimstone... and Excalibur's swashbuckling team leader -- Nightcrawler -- is suddenly elsewhere! Rahne: I thought ye didnae like tae teleport blind? Kurt: Nein, I do not. Especially after I ended up half in that rock wall... Rory [getting up]: That's it. I'm off to take a nice boat-ride... [Others exchange looks.] Rahne: Rory, I'll go with you... Kitty: Good idea, Rahne. [Then, in a whisper:] If you see any whales, RUN. _Ahh, it is good to be "myself" again -- without that verdammt holographic contraption!_ he thinks, hanging from the ceiling. _Now, to find Kitty... what in the world could have triggered such psychotic behavior? Could her food have been drugged? Perhaps my previous fears about Sebastian Shaw were justified..? Nein. If that were the case, we'd all have been targets -- not just Kitty. Hmmm... she and Wolverine shared an adventure in the Orient during our days as X-Men. And while neither of them ever did tell us exactly what happened then -- I can't shake the feeling this is somehow connected..._ Kurt: Of course, that's what mission logs are for... Kitty: Hey, if Wolvie and I didn't want to divulge that I'd been possessed by some demon-ninja jerk, that was our business. Meggan: But didn't you keep reminding Rachel of it? Kitty: I was speaking hypothetically. It was actually kinda fun, except for the haircut... Hey, that reminds me -- I'm going to go fill Shamrock's gas-tank with sugar and phase her hair-dryer into the engine. Anyone want to join me? Upstairs... "Oi, you lot!" Rory cries as Excalibur plows through the kitchen. "Try not to tear the place apart!" Kurt: Thank God Rory already left... "Let yer 'employer' sweat the expenses, Campbell," Pete says, "we've got more important things on our plate now! "Out o' the way, lassies!" Rahne cries. "Comin' through!" "AIEEE! {A werewolf!}" the frightened woman screams. Kitty: There's always one who just has to state the obvious... _Though I'd be able to track Kitty's scent better as a full wolf,_ Rahne thinks as she dives down a stairwell, _I'm much stronger and swifter in muh transitional form! An' judgin' by Kitty's less-than-predictable demeanor -- I've got tae stay on muh toes!_ Pete: An' aftah that Ah'm gonna bring in the crops with Joe-Bob and Billy-Albert. Kurt: One begins to wonder if Herr Raab has *ever* heard a Scottish accent in his life... "Nice try, changeling..." Kitty says from the shadows. Kitty: Can we have a minute for a little historical background? I mean, traditionally a changeling is a creature left behind by the Faerie Folk when they kidnap a child. For Kurt *maybe*, but not for Rahne. (Sighs) I miss Claremont. At least he *knew* the actual meaning of the historical references... Kurt: (wistfully) UXM Annual 4? Kitty: Yep. Kurt: Ah, those were the days... "Kitty--?" Kitty delivers a blow to Rahne's shoulder. "OWW! AIIEEE!" _That scream..!_ Kurt thinks. "Wolfsbane!" He teleports to the vicinity of the cry. "Are you okay, girl?" "Got caught off-guard is all, Kurt," Rahne says. "But I do nae understand. Kitty attacked me -- then she just ran away!" Pete: Hit an' run, eh luv? Kitty: Hey, just because I have morals doesn't mean I'm an idiot. "Then perhaps she is fighting the forces influencing her. If only we could flush her out of the darkness..." "A little light can do that, Nightcrawler," Meggan says from the air, "...so please, allow me!" Focusing her elemental talents, Meggan's very body glows with eerie incandescence... chasing way the shadows to reveal Kitty, crouching in the corner. Meggan: Kurt, is this... "spontaneous mutation"? Kurt: Thankfully, no. You've had *this* particular power for quite a while... at least Raab's making an attempt to acquaint himself with the characters. I think. "You are too late, mortals!" she declares. "The Shadowcat is mine!" Pete: I bet you get that a lot. Kitty: Not nearly as much as Ororo. Thank God. Kurt: Ja. Just be grateful you were too young to be decked out in white leather... Kitty: What about the Cross-Time Caper? Kurt: You were a vampire. It's required. Kitty: Not when I was possessed by Lilith... Pete: Knock it off, you two! I'm gettin' a bloody headache! "Wrong," Pete says, taking a drag on his cigarette. "That girl ain't no man's 'property', ol' codger. What say ya let her go so we can settle this the ol' fashioned way -- man-to-monster." Meggan: Hey, look Pete! You sound like Kitty's friend Logan! Pete: Oh, bloody *marv*elous... "No!" Kitty cries. "When first our paths crossed, and I tapped the destructive potential dormant within this special child -- I vowed that I would someday posses her for myself! Now that I have returned to the land of the living, I swear that vow once more -- and neither man nor "mutant" shall deny my claim!" Kitty: Sounds kind of like our relationship, huh, Pete? Kurt: (in whisper) If you value your life, Herr Wisdom, I strongly suggest you not answer that. "There's likely to be some folks beggin' t'differ on that point, mate," Pete informs him. "Starting with me!" "Ah, but you misunderstand, mortal," Kitty says. "Once I -- Ogun -- have destroyed those nearest and dearest to her... especially the meddling Logan..." a crimson death's head formed over Kitty's features, "...her soul -- her very essence -- shall become my willing thrall! So you see... alive or dead -- it's all the same to me!" Kitty: That "willing thrall" thing again? Haven't these people ever heard of persuasive advertising? I think the forces of darkness would probably be a *lot* more formidible if half their minions weren't mindless zombies. "Yah? A pint and a pound says yer bluffin'. I bet yer spirit needs a home -- and her body's it! It dies--? You die!" Hot knives spring from Pete's fingers as he stares Ogun down. "You're mad!" Ogun says. "Surely you'd not slay your beloved..." "To save her from the likes o' you..?" Pete says. "Try me..." "You have made a grave mistake this day, mortal," Ogun proclaims, rising out of Kitty. "There shall come a reckoning -- and I shall return to plague you and yours forever!" Pete: He sounds just like me father, the lazy git... Kitty: Pete, that's horrible. You *know* your dad would give up a lung for you if you needed it... Pete: Oh, good, so I'd be gettin' mine back then? "Whatever and whenever, ya bloody git," Pete says as he kneels to pick Kitty up, "I'll be waitin'!" "Uhhhh..." Kitty moans. "Wh-wha' happen..?" "Not really sure, babe," Pete replies, "but ya sure as sod ain't gettin' steak knives f'r yer next birthday!" They kiss. Kitty: One more "babe" comment and I'll be forced to break your arm, Wisdom. Pete: Can't you just beat up Wagner again? You seemed to enjoy *that*... Kitty: Pete, he was insane. Pete: So? The next morning, at Shaw's private airport... "It was right nice seeing you chaps again," Rory says, "now tell me -- why separate jets?" "Besides for some well-earned R&R," Kurt replies, "I am going home to Germany to see if Mother knows anything about Amanda..." Kurt: Didn't "Mother" try to *kill* Amanda a few months back? Not to mention the ominous cackling in the caravan? "An' while I'm comin' with him to do some... clubbin'..." Pete adds. "--Rahne and I are headed back to Muir Island to get some beauty sleep!" Kitty finishes. "What'd I tell ya, Wagner--?" Pete asks. "Not a single reason t' worry about Sebastian Shaw this whole trip!" Kitty: Ah, spoken like a true spy who has never, ever had to squeeze into one of those hideous Hellions outfits... "And what of you two..?" Rory inquires of Piotr and Meggan. "Also headed back to dreary ol' Muir Island to check up on Dr. MacTaggert?" Kitty: Rory is talking like a high-school student, Pete's talking like Chamber, Brian and Meg are being generically English, and Rahne and I are Valley-girls. Raab needs Remedial Language 101 and increase his reportiore. "Nyet," Piotr answers. "Rahne is attending to that. She's very concerned about her "mum." Meggan and I plan to see the sights of Paris..." "Especially the Dudley World Amusement Park!" Meggan exclaims. "Well, you'll be there in no time!" Rory assures them. Not only are Shaw Industries' jets the safest, more reliably aircraft in the world -- but so are the pilots!" Kurt: Ja, so long as you don't mind psycopaths. Kitty: So how's this any different from flying TWA? Kurt: Good point. "That's odd," Piotr states as he and Meggan fly over the mountians. "Those are the Swiss Alps," agrees Meggan. "Could something be wrong?" Piotr wonders. "I'll check." He moves to the cabin. "Pardon me, sir," he says to the pilot, "but why the sudden course correction? "Why, mutant..?" the pilot says, getting up. He opens his jacket and reveals large sticks of dynamite strapped to his person. "Because my 'employer' wants you dead!" Kurt: Friends of yours, Wisdom? Pete: Hey! Not *every* homicidal suicide-bomber is one o' me mates. Kitty: Yeah, but do you *know* him? Pete: ...Well, yeah. That's Radborne from F.I.6... but that's not the point! "By the White Wolf--!" Piotr exclaims. _That bomb, harnessed to the pilot's chest -- it's about to--" There's a big BA-BOOOM as the plane explodes. Meggan: Wow! The sound effects are really great, aren't they, Kurt? Kurt? Kurt: Liebchen... I think you need a little rest. Pete: Yah. Ya just know she's going to end up marryin' Comrade Crusher in a few months. Meggan: What? Why? I love Brian! Pete: 'Cause Colossus is the only one without a real personality. Raab prob'bly likes him. Meggan: But -- I don't want to marry Piotr! I want to marry Brian! Kurt: *Now* look what you've started. Pete: Hey, I was just warnin' the kid... Meggan: Oh, Brian! Kitty: Pete -- OUT. Pete: What?! Why?! Kitty: Because it isn't nice to traumatize your teammates. Now c'mon, you can help me find Lockheed... Pete: What?! It wasn't *that* horrible... Meggan: Briaaaaan..! Kitty: COME ON! Pete: That's it, next time I'm stayin' home and chiseling chunks out of Dad's petrified arm... End...