New Mutants: Just the Light by Tapestry (malfam@inlink.com) Disclaimer: I don't own any of these guys. That's Marvel's fault, not mine. ;) Author's Note: Just a quick little thing I whipped up on a Monday night. :) Plot? What plot? We don't need no stinking plots! :) Seriously, there wasn't really a definite story...just a little vignette-like piece involving Illyana. Enjoy! ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Hi. I'm Illyana Rasputin. Sometimes I'm called 'Yana, or Darkchilde, or Little Snowflake, or even Magik...but I'm just Illyana. I'm nothing special, not really. I've got blonde hair and blue eyes, and people say I'm pretty...I guess I am. Boys seem to think so, anyway. It's never really mattered -- well, wait, scratch that, maybe it *does* matter, a little. I like being looked at by guys -- and yeah, sometimes girls. I just don't like it when they touch. It brings back...bad memories. Y'see, a year ago, when I was seven, I was abducted by a demon and taken to another dimension. Exciting childhood, huh? It wasn't fun at all. Trust me. I was in Limbo (that's what I call it, Limbo) for seven years. Seven years, without seeing my friends or my family. And by the time I finally got back...nothing had changed except me. Not even a day had passed on earth and suddenly there I was again, a teenager. Surprise surprise, everyone -- especially my big brother, Piotr. Life went on, like it has to, and I learned to adjust -- mostly. I made new friends, and renewed some old (so to speak) friendships -- like Kitty Pryde. She's my best friend, and I love her as much as I love my mom or dad or Piotr. She'd never be afraid of me, never hurt me, despite everything I've done. Y'see...after I went to Limbo something broke off. It was twisted off, actually -- part of my soul warped and blackened by Belasco, my abductor's, own hands. That's the Darkchilde part of me -- all the worst parts of me rolled up into one pointy-tailed, goat- footed, horn-headed monster. Just another average childhood, right? Right. Not that anything's going to change that. Nothing will. I know -- I can step back in time, if I want, and I know that paradox is not a good thing. No, I just have to live with myself...no matter how crummy it feels. Ever want to just step outside yourself? I mean, you have to feel it at *least* once, right? I think it's like a predisposition of adolescence or something. Well, I feel like that all the time. You wouldn't know to look at me, would you? Heh. Well, I do. All the time, with all my heart, I do. I'm always wondering: What if Belasco hadn't kidnaped me? What if I didn't have my magic? I was meant to be an ordinary girl -- or, at least, as much an ordinary girl as a mutant can be -- not some mage...not some demon sorceress, not the ruler of a hellish limbo. Maybe the reason I act so boy-crazy and airheaded sometimes is because that's how I *wish* I was. I've never felt totally at ease with my teammates, the New Mutants. Dani comes close, but...it's not quite the same. The only person who really understands me, it seems, is Kitty. Just Kitty. Sometimes I wonder if she knows how much she means to me. We're roomies and best friends, but I've never really told her. Not in words. Sometimes I'm afraid that she might die without ever having known how much I love her... It almost happened, y'know. When the Marauders were attacking the Morlocks in their tunnels, Kitty went to help. She took an energy harpoon meant for Rogue, and it almost killed her. Her phasing power was stuck "on", and it kept getting worse. She was phasing out of existence, becoming more and more out of sync with reality -- a living ghost. She made it -- barely -- but she still spends most of her time phased. I remember when I found out, at first -- I thought I was going to die. And Piotr was hurt badly, too...those were the worst days of my life. I'm not saying it hasn't been interesting. It has. I've been to alternate worlds, fought gods and enchanters, met aliens and demons...okay. The demons I could have done without. But I've gotta admit that the list is pretty impressive. I guess even I've got to admit life's had its moments. But...I'd give it up in a second if I could just be an normal kid. My magic...I love it, but it scares me. A lot. But, like the Darkchilde part of me, I can't deny it. Everything about me is tied up into one black, ugly, snarled knot. I've tried everything I can think of, but it just gets worse and worse. Somehow I just can't imagine getting through another year like this...with all this heavy darkness sitting on my heart like a lead weight. Why am I thinking about that? Hah! Kitty'd smack me if she knew I was thinking about dying, and she doesn't need any of that on her mind. So I'd better think of something else, right? No prob. None at all. You know, I'm really supposed to be doing my literature assignment. No biggie -- I've still got five hours until class. Might as well start picking out a poem... Let's see. Got a few for style and tone...argh. I hate this one. "Pick a poem that most describes you." Hmph. Mags sure knows how to pick 'em, although I bet Stevie helped. Magneto's not exactly one of those "shy and sensitive" guys (gee, what tipped him off? The magenta bodysuit? Heh). Still, it's a royal pain. What am I supposed to put..? Oh, hellfire. I can only think of one poem...and it's kinda embarrassing, because I can't even remember where I heard it. But somehow it moved me...just gave me one of those feelings that it's *perfect*, you know? Okay, let's see if I can remember...ah, right. Heaven's light, shining down While I walk in shadow aimlessly Stranded in this world of doubt I am lost, inside and out. Darkness falls on us all someday But on me sooner than others For in this uncertain world of dreams and lies Bit by bit, my waning spirit dies. My body is the battle ground And my shattered soul the prize I rage against the dark tide within me What do they have that I cannot see? And yet, I go so far in my dreams Close my eyes and just stretch my wings And can't I pretend, for just a while That I still have the heart to smile..? That's it, I guess. I remember when first I heard it the last stanza almost made me cry. Isn't that funny? Me, crying. I don't cry -- not any more. Belasco and his pets liked my tears, so I shut them off -- locked 'em up in a cage of ice and apathy and threw away the key as soon as I could. But the poem...it felt like me in there. Ever since I returned to earth a felt like I never really fit in. I guess I have to expect it, being a mutant sorceress and all, but still...it hurts. But I keep a smile on my face and banter in my voice, 'cause that's the side of me I want everyone to see. I scared my teammates when I first joined -- heck, I still scare them now. But despite all this, they're my friends. I don't want to lose them after all I've done for them -- all they've done for me. Maybe my soul's destined for Hell...but can't even a demon dream of Heaven..? 'Scuze me now. I've got to do this Literature assignment. Go ahead, shoo. ...Crying? Nah. Can't be. I don't cry, remember? It's just the light. Just the light. Fin.