Subject: [OTL]: [X-People] One-Liners are Fun Date: Sat, 26 Jun 1999 13:21:34 EDT From: Trumpetlee@aol.com Hey all! I'm back!! Yes, the surgery went well, I'm okay. Okay, I received a list of one-liners before my surgery, and when I finally got back on my computer, I decided to do a little, well, I'm not real sure if this constitutes for an MST3K, but it was fun, and a bunch of my none OTL friends really liked it, so, I'm hoping to get some input on this, and maybe give you all some laughs. Warning: Some of this may be out of character, so be warned. Disclaimer: All characters are Marvels. The one-liners list was supplied by my dear friend Andrea. Thanks!! One-Liners are Fun Lee Tybird (Bobby sat at the kitchen table with a list of one-liners he acquired through his mailing list. He sat laughing at each one.) Nate: What's funny? (Bobby pointed to the list. Nate walked over and began to read them, smirking at some of them. Pretty soon, a whole slew of residents and people visiting the X-Mansion gathered around to read it.) >>My Clone Did It! Nate: He did though!! Jean: It's okay, Nate. Mine did too. >>I do whatever the voices in my head tell me to do. (All stare at the Professor) Prof.: WHAT??? >> Welcome to Losersville Population: You. Jubilee: Hear that, M? YOU! >> I hate everybody, and you're next. Amanda: That sounds so much like Pete, that it scares me. Pete: Hey!!! >>In dog years, I'm dead. Bobby: Hey, Logan, you should have that plastered on your wall. Logan: Yer really lookin fer a good way ta die, ain'tchya snow-boy? >> HELP I'm ON-LINE and can't QUIT! (Hank, Kitty and Doug look at each other) Jean: Yes, that's all three of you. >> Laugh alone, and the world thinks you're an idiot. Logan: Hey, Bob-o, sounds like you. Bobby: Of course, they only think I'm an idiot. Rogue: Wouldn't they be right? >> I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian. Logan, Nate, Domino, and Pete: DAMN STRAIGHT!! Ororo: ::sighs:: I often wonder about them. Jean: Don't worry. We all do. >> It's as bad as you think it is, and they ARE out to get you. Logan: That's right, Charlie, we're ALL out to get you!! Prof: Next!! >>Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips. Jubilee: I'm sure a few other people in the room could think up a few other things you could do with them. (All stare at Kitty and Pete) Kitty and Pete: WHAT?? >>When there's a will, I want to be in it. (Warren grins) Scott: (pointing at Warren) You. Shut up! >>We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse. Nate: See, now, Logan also spent part of his adult life naked, wet and hungry. Logan: One o' these days, Cable, one of these days... >>Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes!! Kurt: Amanda, didn't you do that to me once? Illyana: Yes. She did. The group that was in the kitchen that morning will never fully recover from that experience. >> Beam me up Scotty, there's no intelligent life down here. Kitty: I bet that was what the Shi'ar were thinking. Then they met us. Jean: And things got a hell of a lot worse. >> i souport publik edekasion. Jubilee: Now that's something I can support. Angelo: Si. None of that Public Education crap. >> If you throw a cat out of a car window, does it become kitty litter? Kitty: ::Shudder:: I don't wanna think about that. >>How did a fool and his money get together? Bobby: Maybe Warren or Brian can answer that question for us. Brian: I'm going to hurt him. Badly. Now. >> What's another word for Thesaurus? (All stare at Hank) Scott: Well? >>Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections? Pete: Y'know, I never figgered that out... Kitty: Oy... >>When you choke a Smurf what color does it turn? Nate: Purple. (All stare at him) Nate: WHAT?? >>LOSING: If at first you don't succeed, failure may be your style. Warren: Hear that, Bobby? Bobby: Shut up. >>Sniff...Sniff...Do I smell smoke? (All stare at Pete, Logan and Remy) >>Avoid hangovers, stay drunken. Pete: I said that first. Domino: Yes, Pete. We know. >>Time flies when you have mail. (Again, all stare at Kitty, Hank and Doug) >>There were computers in biblical times, Eve had an apple. Kitty: Damn straight!! Doug: But... but ... I hate Apples... >>Happiness is a BIG hard drive. Yana: Kitty, does Pete have a big hard drive? Kitty: That's none of your business. (Whispers to her) I'll tell you later. >>24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? Remy, Pete and Logan: I think not. >>C program, C program crash, C programmer cry. (Most snicker) Hank, Kitty and Doug: Not funny. >>Clones are people two Nate: No they aren't! They're evil demented things that try to control the world, but instead wind up creating techno-organic viruses, or becoming Demon people!! Domino: It's okay, Nate. We'll get you a nice comfy straight jacket, and a big padded cell. Don't you worry. >>Don't play stupid with me, I'm better at it! Logan: Hey, Bobby, All: You should have that plastered on your wall! >>I'm the best there is, unfortunately I'm not available. Jubilee: Hey! They changed Wolvie's line!! Logan: S'okay Darlin. They coulda suffered law suits if they didn't. >> I'm the person your mother warned you about. (All stare at Pete) Pete: WOT??!! Everybody's always bloody starin at ME!! I don't get it!! >> We come in peace. Shoot to kill. Nate and Domino: Yes! >> Suicide Hotline...please hold. Jono: I hate it when that happens. >> Hi ho, hi ho, it's hand grenades I throw. (Nate and Domino start whistling the tune.) >> I don't care who you are fatso, get the reindeer off my roof! Kitty: I think My dad yelled that out the window one Christmas Eve. I used to go around school telling all the kids I hated that Santa wasn't real. Heh. They all started crying. Jubilee: Damn you're sadistic. Pete: One of her better qualities. >> Trespassers will be shot, survivors will be shot again. Domino: Nate, that gets nailed onto the front door when we get home. Nate: Yes. Yes it does. >> If you think sex is a pain in the ass, you're doing it wrong. Pete: I wondered where you picked that up. Romany: I made it up. They copied me. Jean: And, how old were you when she told you this, Pete? >> Smash forehead on keyboard to continue. Pete: Really? Thass all ya gotta do?? >> Sex is not the answer, sex is the question. Yes is the answer. (All smirk and snicker.) >> Bad cop, no donut. Romany: Pete, if you say anything about Dad... Pete: Yer no fun anymore. >> I have given a name to my pain, and it is Batman. All: ...Who?? >> Armed, dangerous, and off my medication. (All stare at Nate.) Nate: I don't take medication!! Jean: Yes you do. Nate: ... >> Yes, as a matter of fact, I do own the whole damn road. Brian: Betsy, did we ever own... Betsy: I'm not sure... >> I can fly! I can fly! I can...oh #$%&! Rogue: That sounds like the time Ah dropped Remy on his ass. Remy: Let's not go dere, Chere. >> If it can't be fixed with Vise-Grips & duct tape, it can't be fixed. Sam: So that's how you fix all those Shi'ar Machines, Hank? Hank: ...Maybe. >> If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand. (Everyone's, except for the psis in the room, hands go up.) >> Mary had a little lamb, the doctor was surprised. Hank: Actually... Bobby: Don't say anything. >> Nice underwear. Perhaps you should take them off your head. Jean: I remember when Bobby went around with underwear on his head. Bobby: I never did that!! Hank: Of course you did. I remember. They had Big Bird on them! Bobby: IT WAS KERMIT!! GET IT RIGHT!! >> People like that are the reason we have middle fingers. Logan: Can anyone say Graydon Creed? >> What part of my brilliance don't you understand? Hank: No one understands MY brilliance. Jean: Okay, Hank. >> You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on. Domino: Ah, so true. >> You're the computer, you tell ME where the file is! Kitty: I hate it when that happens. Doug: We all do. >> Famous last words: Don't worry, it's not loaded. Nate: Mine is always loaded. Don't trust me when I use that phrase. Pete: We never trust you, Nate. >> I still miss my ex-wife...BUT my aim is improving! (Scott began to snicker) Nate: DAD!!! >> Anything good in life is either immoral, illegal, or fattening. Domino: The sad part is that that's true. >>...And that's why God invented grenade launchers! (Nate and Domino begin snickering.) Scott: NATHAN!! Nate: Hey! I didn't say anything about your mother! >> All I want is a warm bed, a kind word, & unlimited power! Nate: God that sounds way too familiar. >> Cooking lesson #1: don't fry bacon while nude. Bobby: You could learn something from that one, Ororo. *ZAPP* Bobby: Okay. Never mind. >> Eye of newt, toe of frog, and an order of fries, please. Amanda: I think I did that once. Pete: Wouldn't surprise me in the least. >>Famous Last Words #56: Watch me goose that dragon! (Pete mumbles something) Kitty: Lockheed can't talk, Pete. >>I have PMS and a gun, did you say something? (Domino grins, and all the men begin to inch away from her) >>Does fuzzy logic tickle? Amanda: Yes. A whole lot. Everyone else: EEEWW!! (All begin to throw assorted objects and foods at her) >> If you get a penny for your thoughts and someone puts their two cents in, who made the profit? Bobby: The government. Who else?? >> If cats always land on their feet, and buttered bread always lands butter-side down, what would happen if you buttered bread on the back of a cat? Jubilee: Turn around, Pryde. Kitty: Shut the hell up, Lee. *** (After reading through the whole list, most of the group went back to what they were doing. Bobby got on his computer, and it gave him a "You've got mail!" He opened it.) Bobby: Hey, Guys!! I got more!!!