The disclaimer: X-Men et al belongs to Marvel, not me. I'm not making any profit off this, so please don't sue.

The Captain: Hi all! It's me, Yasmin's Muse. Before we go on any further, I'd just like to say that THIS IS NOT MY FAULT. I just inspire writers, not write the story, OKAY??? Right. Ahem, here's a message from Yasmin: <consults a note> "This story has been lurking in my mind for some time, but you could say that the impetus to write the damn thing was provided by Mitai's challenge and a three-hour ICQ chat with Sara. What's written here is considerably different from its original version... not that you'd know, but this is *my* Writer's Notes and I get to rant as much as I like." <turns note over> "Oh yes, this story does not take into account UXM 365. Look out for, ah, some tips of the hat to certain somethings."

Chapter Two

"Oww! That landing had better not ruin me suit... oww!" A shadow fell on his face.

"Are you fine?"

Pete focused on the source of the question, squinting slightly at the bright sun. The speaker was unquestionably female, dark-skinned and blue-eyed. White tresses fell around her face as she looked down at him, concern softening her expression.

"I've been dragged like a dead cow through a bloody portal! Of course I'm not..."

An alarm sounded deep in Pete's aching brain. He tried to move, but the bits of him that ached were currently the ruling party.

Oh, *shit*.

"Ororo Munroe?"

Nononononononono...

"Yes." Her proudly arched eyebrows met in thought. "I know you... Pete Wisdom?"

"In the flesh. And sausage." His fingers gripped the fork, still laden with the afore-mentioned meat product.

Ororo carefully kept a neutral expression on her face. "Kitty did not talk much about you, Mr Wisdom," she lied, noting his frozen scowl. "However, she might be pleased to see you when we find her."

"*When* we find her?"

"The X-Men has disappeared. It is my belief that they were kidnapped, perhaps by the same entity that brought us here."

Pete snorted. "Doesn't say much about your security, Ms Munroe."

Her eyes narrowed dangerously. "With his powers restored, Professor Xavier is the most powerful telepath on Earth. Whoever kidnapped the X-Men managed to get past him; a virtually impossible task, even if they had psi-dampers. Their very presence would have alerted him."

"Yeah, yeah." Unwilling to argue with her, he tried to sit up -- "I can do it meself," he snapped at her proferred hand -- and nearly fell down again.

"We're in a field of *baby booties*?"

He plucked at one disbelievingly. The baby booties grew on tulip-like stems, a pair for each plant. They came in all spectrum of the rainbow, a cheerful splash in the middle of nowhere. The field ended in a pinewood forest to the west and a mountain range to the north, but there were no sign of civilization anywhere. Almost.

Beyond the pinewood forest, a castle rose out like a hand reaching for the sky. Flags flew from the towers, their bright colours visible even at a distance. The walls *gleamed* in the sunlight. If there was ever an anti-grim-and-forbidding, this would be it.

Pete itched to do some damage.

"I thought I was hallucinating when I first saw this." Ororo's voice broke into his consciousness. She was standing, one arm gesturing to the footwear flowers. "Perhaps this is no more than a simulation, like the Danger Room."

The former Black Air spy fished out a somewhat squashed cigarette from his back pocket. "I've never seen any simulation this realistic. Until the joker behind this owns up, I'm treating everything as if it's real." He lit it with a hot knife. "And dangerous. Good thing we still have our powers."

"Smart mortals," said a voice.

"Sire, what are you going to do? They're nowhere *near* here."

"I've sent a guide for them."

"Who... no. Not *her*."

"She was the only one available, Chamberlain. Besides, she owes me a favour."

"But she's *fickle*! Remember the Incident With The Turkey?"

"Do we have any other choice? The, hah, Master will be attacking soon. We don't have *time*."

"... Your will is my command, your majesty."

"Down here," the voice said peevishly. The two mutants looked down to behold...

... a kitten so small Ororo could have held it in her cupped hands. It was black, except for a spot on his nose, and fluffy. Jade-green eyes gazed at them with amusement and ill-concealed contempt. A collar circled its neck, from which hung a small brass bell. The overall effect was one of near-terminal cuteness.

"Who are you? What is your name?" Ororo asked. Beside her, Pete twitched.

The kitten tilted its head to one side. "I've been asked to be your guide. As for my name... well... Cheshire would do just fine, yes?" It bounded off towards the forest. "Come on! We don't have any time to lose!"

Ororo and Pete exchanged glances. "You're the leader of the X-Men. *You* ask," he pointed out.

"Very well." They ran after the kitten, who was surprisingly fast despite its size. "Guide to where, Cheshire?" she called after it.

It blinked at her. "Not where, what. You're going save the world."

"Oh, *cheers*," Pete groaned. "And me without my spandex."

Deep within the castle's dungeons, a plot was about to be revealed.

The X-Men were now awake, and angry. Sarah had to be restrained by Piotr from pulling her calcite arsenal to try and smash through their prison. Logan growled as he watched the door, and the Professor watched *him* with some concern. Everyone kept a discreet distance from Rogue and Remy, though from her annoyed expression it was clear that he could forget about kisses for the while. Kurt, ever the optimist, played poker with Kitty using the pack of cards Remy kept in his pyjamas.

"How are my songbirds today, hmm? Feel like singing?"

"You'll be singing soprano when I'm finished with you," Sarah snarled.

The dark figure posing dramatically in the doorway merely laughed. It was an impressive laugh, a dry hollow cackle steeped in madness. He knew it, and used it to his advantage.

Or so he thought. Kitty rolled her eyes. "How long did you practice that laugh, mister?"

He moved forward, ignoring her. Glowing red eyes regarded them from the recesses of a hooded cloak. The voluminous black cloth hid his figure and face; only his voice gave a clue as to his gender.

"Very nice," he purred.

Logan growled louder.

"Peace, beast. Surely you have noticed by now that your powers are gone -- and without your powers, you are *nothing*. Like the nullification spell? I persuaded a wizard to give it to me. Of course, he wasn't a wizard for long after that." Again, he laughed.

"What do you want with us?" demanded Xavier.

"Why else would I want you for? To take over the world, of course!" He waggled a thin, bony finger and a globe appeared in his hand. "You humans have such a nice planet. Better than the pond scum I have here." The blue and green orb spun, much like Earth spinning on its axis. "With you at my side, we will make Earth *my* kingdom."

"We have a number 47a," whispered Kurt.

"What's dat?"

"In Excalibur code, it means "Crazy sorcerer with delusions of grandeur, wants to take over Earth"."

"Ah."

"Hold it right there. Ah have a question for you: what makes you think we're gonna play along with your little scheme?" Rogue glared at the sorcerer defiantly.

The calculating gaze focused on her with something akin to glee. "When I have the Jarby Orb, child, there will be *nothing* I cannot do." He turned, the cloak swishing against the stone floor.

"Wait!"

"What *is* it?" he hissed.

"You have not told us your name yet," said Piotr. His hand was beginning to ache from its tight grip on Sarah's shoulder.

"Your lord's name is," he paused for effect, "Killhalobraras."

Rogue's mouth worked as she tried to pronounce the name. "Sorry, sugah. You lost me 'round the third syllable."

"Killhalobraras," he repeated impatiently.

Xavier raised an enquiring eyebrow. "I beg your pardon?"

"It's Killhalobraras, you idiots! Forget it. I don't know why I even bother!" The dungeon door clanged shut behind him.

The X-Men looked at each other. As one, they laughed.